Flaming For You
by NightFoxDawnLily
Summary: It's a crazy world at Hogwarts with everyone discovering their sexuality, the addition to Draco's family, evil wizards in bunny suits, Snape's obsessions, and fan clubs, then of course God always has to stick his nose in...H/D plus more slashy goodness!
1. Embers

Disclaimer: I am not J.K Rowling, if I were, I would certainly be spending my time lazing on a sunny beach, sipping tropical drinks with little paper umbrellas on them, and working on my tan.

This is my fanfic. Not yours. A few things you will find in here are craziness, whackiness and a lot of homosexual activity. I don't put graphic sex scenes in here because my last fanfiction got deleted because they exceeded R rating (does that tell you anything lol?) Anyways, if you're the kind of person who reads these for the written porn, look elsewhere. This fanfiction doesn't make alot of sense because it's NOT a serious fanfiction. It's just an "I'm bored and want to screw around and read something interesting" fanfiction. Also this is a slash fanfic (male/male female/female) relationships. If you're not comfortable with those sorts of things I'd suggest you get acquainted with Mr. Back Button. Otherwise, you'll probably like this fanfiction very much.

Enjoy!

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It was a warm August day and Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world, Champion of Gryffindor, Albus Dumbledore's Golden Boy, and rumoured Hogwarts Sex God was idly staring out the window towards the setting sun. Today had been the first day of School for his seventh year and he was oddly depressed. Suicidal depressed? No. More like, ' I can't believe I'm the only one in the world without a girlfriend' depressed. He was watching as Ron and Hermione chased each other around the grounds, playing. Just as he had been watching when they embraced each other 'oh-so-romantically when he had went to the Burrow at the beginning of the summer.

It wasn't that he wasn't happy for them, because he was. It was just that he hadn't realized until then how much he longed for female companionship. He was confused. He thought he liked Cho Chang. He did like her, but then they got in the bedroom, and Harry found that he was very turned off by having sex with her. He grimaced at the thought of losing his virginity with someone who was very unpleasing in that department. Then there had been that VERY brief thing between him and Hermione. Boy did that work out even worse. His sexual experiences with that witch where enough to put him off dating for a while.

Then there had been Ginny, (Harry had nailed that down to their age difference.) and then Lavender (that was over before it had started.) and then Parvarti (even shorter than with Lavendar) and then finally there had been Luna Lovegood, which was the worst mistake he ever made.

Harry began to wonder if there was something wrong with him. How could all of those girls have done the wrong thing in bed? Harry had a feeling they weren't doing the wrong thing, that it was him.

But what on earth was it!

Just then Seamus burst into the room. "Hey Harry mate, whatch ya doin'?"

"Hi Seamus." Harry said lazily, still staring out the window.

"It's a fine day outside 'Arry, why you lookin so glum for?"

Harry sighed. "Dunno." Seamus walked up behind him a little too close and whispered in his ear. "Love problems Harry? I could fix tha'." and with a slow, long, movement, licked Harry's ear.

Harry immediatlely jumped back and faced Seamus. "Seamus! What the hell was that!" Harry wiped his ear repeatedly. Seamus giggled. "You sure are one to be daft to when you're being hit on Harry." Harry turned pink. "Seamus, I'm not gay. And besides, stuff like that isn't allowed anyways."

"Not allowed? Now who told ya tha' Harry? Being gay is totally normal in our world." Seamus laughed.

"It is?" Harry gaped.

"Of course." Seamus winked at Harry suggestively.

"No Seamus, even if that's true, I am still not gay."

Seamus looked ghastly disappointed and stalked out of the room. "Suit yourself."

He closed the door behind him.

" Or am I?" Harry said to nothingness.

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On the other side of the castle in Slytherin territory, one disappointed little dragon sulked. "When will he get it through his thick head that I will not marry the Parkinson's chic?" Draco said to Blaise, holding a letter from his father.

"Didn't you tell him you were gay?" Blaise asked. "Of course! Years ago and loads of times! He just doesn't get it!" Draco threw up his hands exasperated. "He's still bent on me marrying Pansy's older sister, who by the way is 20 and more lesbian than her own name. Lessbie."

Blaise frowned. "Why won't he have you marry Pansy?"

Draco looked aghast.

" Because you fuckwit, that would make this fanfiction just like all the others!" Blaise looked sheepish. "Oh yeah...well I guess it would."

"He says that even if I am gay, I'm going to have to start swinging the other way because I have Malfoy duties that do not involve having a huge crush on Gryffindors and that-" Blaise cut him off,

"He knows you have a crush on Harry!" Blaise looked surprised.

"Yeah, well I had to tell him something. He says in this letter, that if I don't act on my 'silly infatuation' than I will DEFINITELY be marrying Lessbie this summer."

"That's harsh." Blaise said, sitting down.

"Yes it is and get off my bed this instant!" Draco snapped without turning around. Blaise jumped up and brushed himself slipping Draco the bird on his way to his own bed. "I saw that." Draco said busily gelling his hair in the mirror.

"Oh honestly, why don't you just ask Potter out. You'd better do it fast too, because that boy has no idea how hot he really is. And with the new Queer movement, he will be getting hit on by girls and guys alike.

Draco frowned. Blaise had a point. Ever since the new Queer movement, where the press released some shocking info on how it was safer to be a homosexual than hetero, because of some new found disease or infection created when penis and vagina met, it seemed everyone had suddenly become an out of the closet homo. Harry's chances of being hit on had greatly improved.

Of course, Draco had been gay, waaaay before the Queer movement.

Draco was feeling much more insecure. He was the hottest guy in school, as well as the richest, most charming, and second in academics only to Granger. He really had nothing to feel insecure about. He would have NO problem asking Harry out...IF... he hadn't previously made said wizard's life living hell, treated his friends like total and complete shit, ruined his reputation, gotten him into trouble, insulted and humiliated him and most of all he wasn't even sure if Harry was gay.

He sighed, then smirked. Since when has Draco Malfoy, Slytherin Ice Prince of Darkness, evil and maniacal, rumoured to work for Voldemort, Never been beaten at anything that involved darkness, more gay than a guy wearing stillettos going to a Britney Spears concert ever turned down a challenge? Never.

' Potter, maybe you aren't gay, but I can promise you I will **make** you gay and I will make you **mine**. You can beat me at Quidditch, and maybe even at Charms, but you won't even see it coming what I have in store for you young man. Draco Malfoy does **not **get told no. I am flaming for you."

And with that, Draco turned on his heels to send a letter to his Mother for more spending money so he could buy a new wardrobe.

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Far down another part of the castle, but not so far from Draco, another wizard was making a similiar vow to the Gryffindor.

He sipped wine from a glass and toyed with it in his mouth.

"You are so mine Potter. Once you come of age, you're finished. In for it. I am going to be on you like butter on toast, like...like ketchup on fries, like salt on a pretzel, like the brown freckle at the base of your neck..."

The man was lost in his fantasy of the Potter boy and what happens when he turns seventeen...

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"Ron! Hurry up! We have to get inside and shag like bunnies!" Hermione whined.

"I'm..I'm hurrying Hermione. Gods, what bloody stamina you have!"

"All the better to shag you with my dear," she said as she led him into another one of her mind blowing kisses.

"Ronald Weasley you are about to receive the shag of your life." Hermione said as she led him into her Head Girl dorm.

"Can I get my broom out first?" he squeaked and everything else was lost in ecstacy.

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' Could I really be gay?' the black haired, green eyed Gryffindor lay on his bed thinking.

'How does anyone really know anyways?' Harry wondered. ' I think I'm going to find out.'

So Harry pulled out his laptop computer he had brought with him, (yes, Dumbledore changed the "no electronics" rule cause it was stupid anyways) and went to his favorite butler engineered search engine. "Jeeves, help me out here man." he said as he typed in 'How do I know if I'm really gay?" and hit the 'Ask' button.

He got the normal rate of pop-ups as well as some ones that were not so innocent, but basically he found out general information on a 'Queer movement' website.

How to tell if you're gay.

Simple.

If you're gay, then you like boys.

And also, anytime you have sex with girls, you get grossed out.

And also your parents hate you and the neighbors sometimes through dildos on your front porch.

But thats pretty much it.

Have a nice life homo!

"Oh my god, I'm GAY!" Harry yelled and exited the website.

He ran down the hallway screaming "I'm going to lasso me a man!" and conjured a rope to go along with the theme. Everyone standing in the corridor looked shocked and slightly appalled before Harry realized what he was doing. Blushing, Harry responded to the onlookers "And yes people, that was an exert from a Broadway play entitled " Oh my fucking Jesus, I'm a cocksucker." Buy tickets!"

And with that Harry waved them off and went back to his dormitory to sulk and cry.

"Well that was weird." said Dean talking to Seamus.

"Yeah it was."

"Hmm. must be some sort of muggle thing." said Dean.

"Yeah it was." said Seamus.

"I wonder what kind of muggle thing would make him do that though."

"Yeah it was." said Seamus.

"Seamus, are you listening to me?"

"Yeah it was." said Seamus.

"Oh my gosh, Seamus, I know he's a looker, but he's not queer, so get over it."

"Yeah he was." said Seamus.

Dean sighed.

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Well that's it for my first installment. There's a little purple button down in the corner that you are more than welcome to push. I'd like to know what you think. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Chapter 2 will be up soon.

Blessed Be!

Authoress: Gee it's really lonely out here...


	2. Blaise Incognito

My Second installment in the story thus far. I know some of you may be wondering about the events described in the summary, and I can assure you, they are things to come. This story was 26 chapters long when I decided to take it down and revamp it. So hold tight.

And now to acknowledge my reviewers,

**darthdeanna**: Thanks for your review and I hope you enjoy this installment :)

**Tinuviel Simbelmyne**: Thanks! I thought so!

**Akila Aingeal **: I hope you like this chapter, and the button looks purple to me. Maybe it's my computer, maybe I'm colorblind, who knows? But if you say it's blue, then I believe you.

and thank you to those who read but didn't review, I hope you're pleased with this next chapter as well!

**Chapter Two: Blaise Incognito**

Enjoy!

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Sunlight streamed in through the curtains of a certain raven-haired Gryffindor's bed. The bright sunlight however, was not the element that unpleasantly awakened the certain raven-haired Gryffindor. No, that job, was currently in the hands of Seamus Finnigan.

"Wakey Wakey Harry!"

Harry groaned and rolled over. "Go away Seamus."

"No Harry you've got to get your perky self up and get to breakfast. Now come out and face the world."

Harry really did not feel like facing anything after his "lasso me a man" episode from the night before. "I can't Seamus, I'm...I'm sick. I have...er..." Harry racked his brain " ..genital herpes...yeah." Harry trailed off.

"What's genital herpes?" asked Neville from his bed, he was putting on his shoes. Ron's snores echoed around the dormitory.

"Something that Harry made up because he thinks it will make me leave him alone." Seamus said, hands on hips. "But it won't. Now Harry this won't do. Get out of bed before I have to get rough with you."

Harry growled and decided to resort to threats. "Seamus I've faced Voldemort five times and killed him on the fifth, I took down a basilisk, escaped giant spiders, a troll, multiple death eaters, a Hungarian Horntail, and Hermione on her period. I really don't think you want to try me."

Seamus gulped. "Well you didn't have to be Mr. Grumpy Gus about it."

Harry growled louder.

Seamus fled.

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Draco was putting away the last items in his new wardrobe. He now had five. He was completing the complex locking charms on it when Blaise came in.

"Hey Blaise."

"Hey Draco...umm..." Blaise trailed off looking nervous.

"What Blaise? What is it?" Draco raised an eyebrow.

"Well...um...I heard that some third year Slytherin girl is going around saying you got her pregnant." Blaise looked uncomfortable.

Draco frowned. "I haven't slept with any..." Draco trailed off. Blaise looked away innocently.

Then realization dawned on Draco. "BLAISE!!"

Blaise gulped. "Now, Now Draco, before you get mad-"

"You! You?! Wha-Why?! GRR!!" Draco screeched incoherently.

Blaise started backing away with his hands up. "Draco I can explain I swear!"

"You used Polyjuice to impersonate me again? AGAIN?! How many times do I have to tell you-"

"Well Geez! Draco it's really not my fault, the girls just flock to you, ya know! I didn't really get her pregnant Draco I swear! I used a special charm see, and it's impossible. She's just lying-"

Draco cut him off. "You've ruined my reputation again!! AGAIN!" Draco threw his arms up in the air and paced angrily around the room. "People these days. They have no morals!"

"Draco. I can fix this. I'll talk to her, tell her the truth-"

"You're damn right you're gonna fix this! You are going to march your happy ass down there right now and tell her or so help me Blaise I will make the rest of your miserable life living hell!" Draco shoved Blaise towards the door.

"Ok. Ok! I'm going all ready! Geez! Somebody forgot their happy pills..." Blaise grumbled, exiting the dormitory.

Draco fumed. Just then he heard giggling coming from the bathroom. Low, rumbling giggling.

"The hell?" he said and wandered into the Slytherin bathroom.

There he was met with Crabbe and Goyle hunched over something. A bottle of lubricant, thankfully unopened was sitting on the bathroom counter.

"Ok now we just need the right lighting..." Crabbe trailed off.

"What are you two doing?" Draco snapped from the doorway.

They both jumped and tried to hide whatever it was behind their backs. They however failed miserably.

"Is that...? No that can't be...I keep that in my...drawer...then...what?" Draco flicked his wand and "Accio-ed" towards what they were hiding. A medium sized picture of Harry soaking wet in his Quidditch robes came flying towards him.

"IT IS!!" Draco screamed. He looked up at them his face livid.

"Dra...Draco. Now...don't be mad..." Goyle tried to calm him down.

"Don't be mad he says. Don't be mad. This.Is. Mine. You. Fuckwits." Draco said icily, taking a step closer after each word. His voice was dangerously soft.

Crabbe and Goyle looked very scared.

"Do you _know_ what happens to people who touch my things?"

Crabbe whimpered. He knew first hand what happened to them. He still had tons of reconstructive surgery to do on his right nut after the last time Draco had caught him messing with his things.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! KILL YOU!! YOU ARE DEAD!!" He yelled at them, his face beet red.

Crabbe and Goyle climbed all over each other trying to get away from the advancing Ice Prince.

"NEVER **zap** EVER **zap **EVER **zap** FUCKING **zap **TOUCH **zap** MY **zap** FUCKING **zap** THINGS **zap** AGAIN!! **ZAP** **ZAP ZAP**"Draco screamed at them, hurling curses after each word.

Fortunately they ran for their lives but not before acquiring a whole lot of wounds that would certainly hurt in the morning.

Draco growled and looked at the picture. "Great. Now I have to put some serious cleaning spells on this again. Dirty sacreligious pigs." He muttered.

He cleaned the picture and returned it to his drawer, and then finally laid down to relax. Dealing with infidels was a very tiring task...

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"So...um...how was it Herm?" Ron asked uncertainly. He had just lost his virginity to Hermione, who, unfortunately hadn't been satisfied by their intercourse at all.

Unfortunately, she also didn't have the heart to tell that to Ron.

"It was...great Ron." she said and smiled uncertainly.

"I thought it was mindblowingly wonderful!" He exclaimed and sighed. He kissed her on the forehead and rolled over to take a nap.

' Yeah. It was a very mindblowing eight seconds Ron. ' Hermione thought to herself and sighed. She had thought Ron would satisfy her, but he didn't. It wasn't that he was bad...ok maybe he was bad, but he just wasn't...wasn't...Harry...

' Why do I still have feelings like this? ' she thought to herself as she listened to Ron's snoring.

She sighed. She knew she would have to break up with Ron soon. She really didn't want to hurt him. She sighed again and hit herself in the head.

Knowledge, science, facts, she could understand. But love, relationships and feelings went waaaay over her head.

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**I know this is a very short excuse for a chapter. **

**You can gripe to me about it in a lovely review! points to review button**

**Chapter Three coming soon.**

**Blessed Be!**

Authoress: Anyone alive out here? Anyone at all?

...

...

...

Authoress: Guess not. Sigh


	3. Genital Herpes

Alright, here goes my third installment. I realize that you may have noticed that there are time jumps in this fic. For instance, last chapter, Ron was snoring in one scene and then laying in bed with Hermione the next. This will happen a lot and is normal for my crazy, scatterbrained mind. I will make no move to cease this behavior as I believe it adds spontaneity to this fic. After all, what's a good fic without a little confused disorientation?

And now to acknowledge my lovely reviewers:

**undercoverphlover**: Thanks for being here and I hope this chapter is to your liking .'

**fattoad**: I appreciate it. Hope you think the same of this one.

**XOne.By.OneX**: I'm so glad you like it, I hope you continue to feel the same about it. And it's nice to know I'm not alone in the confusing colors of buttons world. ;)

Big thanks also go to _undercoverphlover_ _SkullFreak16_ _yugoma XOne.By.OneX _for adding me to Alerts. I am honoured.

and thanks also to those who read without reviewing, this story's for you, too!

And now, on with the show,

**Chapter 3: Genital Herpes**

Enjoy!

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Harry Potter groaned out loud again. This had been the third time he'd died that day.

"I never get any better at this game! Never!" he said aloud as he frustratedly exited the runescape website.

He sulked. Now what to do? There was nothing to do. He decided to search the web for the one millionth time.

He eventually found himself a gay chatsite. ' This should be interesting.' he thought as he created his username ( Golden1der) and his password ( hpisasexgod) A smile spread acrossed his face as he quickly began chatting with people like...him.

It wasn't long before he was invited to an instant message and thought 'Why the heck not?' It was from a guy named ' grtgreendragon69'

**grtgreendragon69**: _Hey baby, whats up?_

**Golden1der**: Nm. How bout you?

**grtgreendragon69**: _Just chillin._

**Golden1der**: Thats nice.

**grtgreendragon69**: _So, what r u wearing?_

Harry got a nervous, but very exciting shudder. Why had he never thought of this before?

He quickly became lost in the conversation and all you could hear in the dormitory was the clicking of his keyboard...

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Draco Malfoy was not a very happy dragon.

He had bought this whole new wardrobe, spent hours preparing himself, strutted into the Great Hall to find that one precarious little snot-nosed Gryffindor was not at breakfast.

He had just put that off on him sleeping in. Then he went to Potions. And he wasn't there either. Next was Care of Magical Creatures, and the bloody Gryffindor had skipped that too! Then Charms, and finally, Herbology and he hadn't seen the Gryffindor Golden Boy all day!

He hadn't been at lunch either.

Oh, Draco was pissed.

Very pissed.

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"Professor, the answer is-"

"Shut your mouth Granger, you weren't called on."

"But Professor! I know the-"

"One more word, and you will be _bloody_ close to a detention."

"But-"

"_NOT_ another word Granger." Snape said in his silky voice.

Hermione 'hurrumphed ' and slowly lowered her hand, a frown on her face.

" Where is Mr. Potter this morning?" he asked aloud.

Several Gryffindors started speaking and Hermione was the only one who caught Draco Malfoy's expression change from dull and uninterested to excited and very interested. He obviously caught himself and simmered down.

Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"And Potter is sick because? Hmm. Genital Herpes you say? Hmm...sounds...rather..._sexy_." Snape caught himself and cleared his throat.

" Since Mr. Potter is not here today, Mr. Weasley will take over his assignment." Snape leered. " I expect the work of both you _and_ Mr. Potter on my desk by the end of class." Snape gave Ron a slight sneer before returning to his desk.

No one noticed the slight bulge in the front of his robes...

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Ginny and Lavendar giggled loudly. It was lunch time in the Great Hall and they were sitting at the very end of the table, heads bent over a rather large piece of parchment, giggling like maniacs.

If this had been any other day besides "Potter's sick day" Hermione would have noticed, instead she was chatting away worriedly with Ron about Harry.

"Ok. Wait, no, no Lav, those stairs lead the opposite direction."

" Oh. Oh! My bad Gin. Sorry that would have been a rather nasty surprise for Harry don't you think?"

Ginny led out a raptous giggle " Yes, it would have been funny though."

"Oh Gin, I just thought of something, what if we used latex, instead of the other kind?"

"Oh those would most likely work better. I know this muggle shop where we can get some."

"Muggle shop?"

"Yes, they're called Trojans, they're fabulous."

"Oh, you don't say."

"Yes, indeed."

"Hey guys-"

The two girls immediately shut up and hid their parchment from view. "What do you want Neville?" Ginny asked nervously.

"Yes Neville, what is it? We're kind of busy." Lavendar replied.

"Did you hear, that Harry Potter has some sort of weird muggle disease?"

"Oh really?" asked Ginny, trying not to sound interested. "Whats it called?"

"Yes, what is it called?" asked Lavendar.

"Genital Herpes." Neville said.

"Hmm. Sounds..._sexy_" Ginny said.

And with that, the two girls burst in to another fit of giggles.

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Minerva Mcgonagol sat in the plush comfy chair at her desk, thinking. Harry Potter, the object of her obsession had not been in class today, and she had no idea why.

Surely, Potter had not skipped, he hardly ever skipped classes. ' I have a right to know why he wasn't in class, I am his teacher and the Head of his house.' she thought to herself, trying to give herself enough reason to stomp up to Gryffindor Tower and demand an explanation.

' Of course, the Longbottom boy did say something about a muggle sickness. What was it again?' She thought harder. " Blast! I completely forgot! Why don't I ever listen to that fat kid?" Of course, Big M never looked down on her students, or gave them put downs ever, but with Neville, she hadn't been able to resist.

The first time she ever saw him, she had burst out laughing and said "Oh my gods! It's a fat kid! Fatty, fat, fat fat kid. You're just a big old fat kid? Aren't ya?"

She gave another burst of laughter and then pulled out a chocolate frog. "Heres some chocolate fatso." she said as she had walked away laughing.

She blushed at the thought. She was so immature seven years ago. She was seriously considering taking a nap when Madame Pince burst in.

"Big M! I have the most, horrible news!" she said, rushing up to her desk.

"What is it Pincey?" Big M said, looking worried.

"It seems, well, the Granger girl told me that, lovely girl that Granger, always studying and reading, reminds me of us as children. I can talk to her all day, she's so bright and wonderful-"

"Pincey get to the point."

" Oh yeah. It seems that Potter has a rare, muggle sickness called Genital Herpes. Though I have no idea what a genital or a herpe is, so I wouldn't know how serious it is, maybe we should ask Pomfrey." Pince rambled.

"Genital Herpes." Big M said thoughtfully. "Sounds _sexy_."

"Thats what _I_ said when Granger told me. I feel so sorry for dear Potter. Do you think we should bake him a cake?"

" No, that would show favoritism."

"But..but we do favor him..." Pince trailed off.

"Yeah, but if we baked him a cake, then the other students would _KNOW_ that we favored him Pincey." Mcgonagol said rolling her eyes.

"Oh yeah." said Pince intelligently.

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"So then we corner him from behind and remove those stupid glasses-"

" Whats wrong with his glasses!" demanded Luna.

"They're stupid." replied Cho.

"But I like his glasses." Luna said, beaming, "They look like mine."

"Which is precisley why we are going to take them off. And of course you won't be wearing them when the plan is put in to action so-"

" Why won't I be wearing them?" Luna insisted.

"Because I'm like, going to give you, like, a makeover." said Cho waving her hands "And makeoevers, like, never involve glasses." she said, nodding sympathetically.

"But I like my glasses." Luna said, a sad tone in her voice.

" Yes and you will like them just as much when we throw them away. Now back to our plan to seduce Harry Potter." Cho said, pointing to their parchment lists.

" Fine, but if I have to get a makeover, I get a turn with him first."

"We'll see about that," Cho said, muttering "I might just want a turn with you first." under her breath.

Luna didn't hear her.

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Pansy Parkinson strolled down the dusty rows of the Library. She was looking for information on a disease called ' Genital Herpes'

She was a smart witch. She had the fourth highest marks in the school. Next to a Ravenclaw girl, Malfoy, and Granger. Stupid Granger and her stupid high marks. It wasn't that she wasn't as smart as Granger, because she was. She just didn't try as hard in school.

She was currently looking for information on the sickness, Harry Potter was rumoured to be plagued with. She wasn't stupid. She was in love with Potter, and if Potter had some sort of illness, she should try to stop her infatuation before it got started.

She didn't know what it was about him, that made her like him.

Was it the fact that he had emerald green eyes, ebony soft hair, a muscly build and a smile that could crack a cold heart?

Or was it the fact that he was sweet and kind and sensitive and a hero?

Or the fact that he was rumored by many to be the Hogwarts Sex God?

Pansy didn't know. All she knew was that she wanted him. And Pansy _always_ got what she wanted...

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" Gosh I want Potter." Blaise murmured to himself.

" He's just so hot, and modest, and oh that body!" Blaise was lying on his back in his bed, staring up at the ceiling when the door burst open and he was met with a pair of stormy grey eyes.

"Do you know where Potter was all day?" Draco asked coldly, sulking.

"Uhh...no?" Blaise said trying to sound small. He knew when Draco was angry.

"Damn it! I looked great today and of course on a day that Draco Malfoy looks great, Harry Potter has to skip class!" he spat.

Just then, Crabbe and Goyle burst in. "Hey Draco! Guess what?" Goyle said.

" I'm not in the mood to hear your bloody idle chit chat." Draco hissed.

" But-" Crabbe started, Draco cut him off. "But nothing. Now shut up and leave me the hell alone. I have stuff to do."

" Fine." they said in unison and walked back out the room.

"I'm curious Draco" Blaise started, " What 'stuff' do you have to do today?"

" Sulk and whine." said Draco without looking up.

" Of course." said Blaise, smirking slightly.

" Bloody Gryffindor. I swear when we start to date, things are going to change. Shit is going to hit the fan." Draco said, standing up and getting out his ' Searchabot'

" Draco, what is that?" Blaise said, looking alarmed.

" Well duh Blaise. This is my Searchabot. Its magically enhanced to act like a robot, and it tells me where anyone in the castle is, and what they're doing, how they're feeling and what their last sentence was."

"Wow." Blaise gave a low whistle. "Impressive."

"Yep. And it can also locate lost items, and find secret doorways and things like that, and it can tell when someone's lying. It's really great."

" Wow. I wish I were that rich." Blaise exclaimed.

" You know it." Draco said with a smirk.

In a commanding voice he said loudly "Searchabot, locate one Harry Potter and tell me _everything_."

Searchabot was silent for a moment and then " _Harry Potter, seventh tower Gryffindor Boy's dormitory. Currently feeling very...Nervous and excited. Activities include typing on a keyboard, clicking a mouse, watching a computer monitor, breathing, sitting on a bed and itching his left ankle. Last sentence was " Oh my gods, I didn't know you could shag in that position_." The Searchabot ended with a few loud mechanical clicks and was silent.

Draco blinked. " What the hell is a computer?" he said to Blaise who shrugged.

Someone knocked on the door. " Come in." Draco said nonchantly and in walked Crabbe and Goyle.

"Oh its only you two." Draco sighed and lay down on his bed.

" Draco, what we came to tell you earlier-"

" I really don't care." Draco replied, inspecting his fingernails.

" But its about Potter!" Crabbe said.

Draco's head shot up. " Ok. Out with it then." he said, trying to pretend he didn't care.

" We heard he has some muggle illness...called. um...what was it Goyle?"

" Genital Herpes."

" Yeah that was it."

" Hmm. Sounds _sexy_." Blaise said offhandedly.

Draco was thinking the same thing.

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**There you have it peeps, sorry it's so short! I'm not too much into descriptive detail, I try to make up most of my chapters with dialogue. I think it's more entertaining. **

**Anyways it seems everyone is after Harry, everyone has a plot to get at Harry and Harry is inadvertedly clueless, (big surprise there, right?) **

**Also, just to clarify:**

**" " usually means dialogue**

**' usually means thoughts, or names of things... **

**Feel free to tell me how you feel in a review!**

**Blessed Be!**

Authoress: Alright...this is getting really old...


	4. I forgot my lines!

Disclaimer: Not J.K. Rowling, which should be obvious. I cannot even compare to her literary geniusness. I am a mere mortal passing my time with this silly excuse for a story...

And now for the fourth installment!

I've always wondered what keeps wizards and witches from getting sexually transmitted diseases, since they seem to shag alot more than us muggle folk. I've always wondered if they had ever heard of condoms and such. So I threw those things in there, because you never hear of anyone in the wizarding world talking about AIDS or anything.

But first, to acknowledge the lovely reviews:

**undercoverphlover**: I'm glad you appreciated my use of muggle diseases lol I hope you don't suffer any serious injuries from laughing during future chapters. I would feel bad.

**darthdeanna**: Thank you! Glad to be a proper distraction!

**I-HEART-RIKU-AND-SORA-FOREVER**: I'm glad you found it funny. And I'm glad your boyfriend enjoyed that part, there will be more Ron/Hermione funniness to come. And I will definitely keep writing, thank you!

**fattoad**: Yes very much so lol I would just like to let it be known that Snape is in fact my all - time favorite HP character. No matter how crazy, weird, disturbing, or unsavory I may portray him. I love m' lil Potions Master. Lol and if you thought that disturbing, just wait (evil grin)

**cardfreak**: I'm glad you liked it so much, although the "genital herpes" thing is a tweaked version of something I saw on Family Guy. So the original disease idea was not mine, but putting it in this whacky Harry Potter world certainly was (smile)

**Tinuviel Simbelmyne**: You're seriously thanked

**XOne.By.OneX**: Lol it's great that you enjoyed it so much, I hope I didn't get you into trouble (parents can be so unreasonable when you are the cause of their loss of sleep) I'm not sure what everyone in school would do if they found out, though if memory serves correctly one or two do. I'm sure they would take back all of their "sexy:" comments and Harry would receive lots of grief. Thanks for reviewing and hope you love this chapter too!

and special thanks to 00 _cardfreak_ and _I-HEART-RIKU-AND-SORA-FOREVER _for putting me/my story on their alerts. It makes me all tingly inside.

**Chapter Four: I forgot my lines!**

Enjoy!

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Harry Potter awoke to the morning sunshine screaming through his bed hangings (again, go figure). ' I wonder, if I can get off with playing sick today as well' he thought.

His hopes were soon smashed as a voice cut through his thoughts.

" Harry, if you think for one instant I am going to let you sleep in today, you are sadly mistaken." said Seamus in his Irish lilt. "I only let you stay in bed yesterday because of your muggle disease."

" That was just a joke you guys. I had the flu." Harry mumbled.

" Not according to Neville, he's already told the whole school you were inflicted with ' genital herpes'."

" Oh no! He didn't!"

" Yes, he did."

Harry sighed. " Well, I guess I better be glad the wizarding world knows nothing of muggle diseases then." Harry said, getting out of bed.

Seamus shrugged. " Everyone just thought it sounded sexy." he said.

" They wouldn't think that if they knew what it was."

Seamus shrugged, then quickly switched topics " Hey Harry, have you re-thought my offer yet?" He said, wiggling his eyebrows.

" No, I haven't Seamus. If I decide to be gay in the near future, I'll let you know." Harry said, being fully aware of the agreement he'd come to with himself after last night.

He sighed. " Well you're going to be late for breakfast, if you don't hurry up Harry." he said, leaving the dormitory fully dressed.

Harry realized he was alone. " Who cares about breakfast? Time for some Family Guy!"

Harry pulled out a portable DVD player complete with seasons 1-4 of Family Guy. He began to listen to the episodes as he finished getting ready, wearing Dudley's old clothes, his broken glasses, and his uncombed hair as usual.

He shut the player off and headed downstairs. When he reached the Entrance Hall, he decided he didn't want people gawking at him over his ' genital herpes' episode. So he took a turn down to the dungeons to be alone in the dark.

It wasn't long before a streak of blonde hair caught him off guard.

" What are you doing down here Potter" Malfoy spat.

" What do you think Malfoy?" Harry tried to imitate Malfoy's spitting noise, but didn't succeed.

" I don't know Potter, why don't you enlighten me?"

" What does it look like I'm doing here Malfoy?" Harry spat.

" Are you going mental?" Malfoy raised an eyebrow.

" Are you?"

" Potter, I think you've gone mad."

" Malfoy, I think you're the one with genital herpes."

" Potter, you realise you aren't making any sense at all."

" Malfoy you realise I'm not gay, so don't hit on me."

" Who said I was hitting on you?"

" I don't know, why don't you ask my knuckles?"

" Potter, I think you've just lost your marbles."

" I'm surprised you know what a marble is, Malfoy."

" Ok. Whatever flips your lid, Pot-head."

" Whatever floats your boat, Malfoy."

" Potter, that wasn't your line."

" Well Malfoy, its not my fault your mother is-...umm... Whatever cocks your gun...No! that wasn't it...umm...Malfoy, you couldn't ...no, thats not until chapter six, umm...shit. I did forget my line..." Harry trailed off uncertainly, shifting his gaze around.

" Well...this is...awkward..." Draco muttered, shuffling his feet.

" Yes...indeed." Harry sighed.

Both boys shuffled their feet on the stone floor and looked up awkwardly at the fanfiction narrarator.

Since it appeared the Authoress had other plans they both sighed and started walking off to their respective directions,

trying to pretend this scene didn't happen...

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" Potter is mental." Draco said, sitting down at the Slytherin table and joining Blaise for breakfast.

" What do you mean?" Blaise asked, mouth full of eggs.

" He completely kept going off track on his lines in the last scene." Draco said, scooping food onto his plate.

" Oh. I hate it when that happens." Blaise said sympathetically.

" Tell me about it." Draco said, munching on bacon.

" Well, what are you going to do now, weren't you and Potter supposed to have ' a moment' in the last scene?"

" Yes, but Potter screwed that up." Draco scowled.

" Oh..well you should talk to the narrarator about this. Maybe you can fix it."

" I already did. We're going to have a "moment" after afternoon classes. Which really sucks, because I was going to spend that time, gazing at my gorgeous self, and imagining Potter as the future mother of my children." Draco said, gulping down some orange juice.

" Well, our Slytherin practise was canceled, for some, unknown reason, you can spend that time, gazing at your gorgeous self and imagining Potter as the future mother of my-I mean _YOUR_ children." Blaise said, blushing slightly.

Luckily, Draco didn't notice. " Great. I guess it all works out, I hope Potter doesn't screw this up too."

" The guy has had alot on his mind lately, give him a break."

" Yes, I suppose, bloody Potter and his stupid, self - revelations. Gods that brat is spoiled!" Draco exclaimed.

" Yes, stupid, bloody Potter, whom you are obsessed with and would do anything to have." Blaise mocked.

" Shut up Blaise." Draco said, throwing a sausage at him.

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Harry Potter narrowly missed being late for Divination. He plopped down next to Ron looking slightly confused.

" Whats the matter, Harry, mate?"

" Oh, nothing, I just forgot one of my lines earlier when I was talking to someone."

" Oh, I hate it when that happens." Ron said, looking bored. " Don't forget Harry, you have Quidditch practise today."

" I do?"

" Yeah, Slytherins were going to practise, but they had to cancel, so now we get the pitch."

" First practise of the year. Wood's going to be murder." Harry groaned.

It was true, ever since Oliver Wood had flunked three grades, just to continue being Gryffindor's captain, he had become harsher than ever. But they had won every Quidditch game, since Harry's fifth year, so Harry couldn't really complain.

" Now students, I want to remind you, to clear your minds, let your inner eye see, Neville dear, if you would be so kind as to get an after school job to pay for that crystal ball you are about to break, I would be much obliged. My insurance doesn't cover everything you know." Professor Trelawney said, scoldingly.

Neville blushed.

" Ron, I could tell you anything in the world right?" Harry said, leaning down to whisper at Ron.

" Of course." said Ron.

" Good because...well...because...I um...I..." ' Shoot! I can't tell him!' Harry thought frantically.

" Are you gay, Harry?" Ron asked.

" Um...no, no...I uh... was just going to tell you...that...that...I like a girl in this school!" Harry said, thinking fast.

" Oh. which one?"

" The blonde one." Harry said, trying to think of something.

" Which blonde one?" Ron asked.

" Don't be stupid Ron, the blonde one. Now, hush so I can get my work done."

And with that Harry set to work, pretending to work. He was really, frantically trying to think of a blonde girl in school to go out with to prove to Ron and the world that he wasn't gay.

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The warm afternoon breeze swept through Harry Potter's hair. It was going to rain later on today, he could smell it in the air. Suddenly, he heard a noise behind him.

" Hello Potter." Draco said, non menacingly.

" Malfoy." Harry nodded.

Harry was sitting on the ground, staring out at the lake.

Malfoy sat down next to him and offered him a cherry flavored cigarrette. Harry took one. " So." Malfoy began.

" So what?"

" So..um...whats been...going on?"

Harry sighed. " Malfoy don't expect me to jump into your bed this quickly, its only chapter four, and thats not in the script."

Malfoy glared. " Potter, you're ruining the story with your ignorant depressiveness."

" I don't care."

Malfoy sighed. " You know what Potter?"

" What?"

" I feel no animosity towards you whatsoever. I haven't for a long time. Do you think , that maybe, we could be...friends?"

Harry smiled. " Maybe." He finished his cigarette and put it out.

" Good, because I'd like that."

Harry raised an eyebrow. " You know what Malfoy? I think I would too."

And with that, Draco Malfoy gave a curt nod to Harry Potter and strode off back to the castle.

" A moment, indeed." He said, smiling slightly to himself.

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" Oh Ginny, this is positively scandulous!" Lavendar shrieked, holding her hands to her mouth.

" I know, and the best part is, it is definitely going to work. How could Harry even think of resisting someone like us?" Ginny said, smirking.

Lavendar smirked back. True, it would be nice to get into Harry Potter's pants, but it would also be equally nice to get into Ginny Weasley's. ' Did I just think that?' Lavendar breathed. ' How awful. Ginny isn't like that.'

" Ok. We still have a few tiny quirks to work out, but otherwise this plan is absolutely brilliant. I can't believe how easily we can pull this off. Now. We still need, two more dildos, an extra length of rope, and umm... some more lube and I think we'll be fine." Ginny explained.

" Great." said Lavendar, staring at Ginny.

" Oh, yes, and we also need to send those thongs back, we need them in a much tighter size."

" Ok. I'll get right on you-, I mean, that." Lavendar said, blushing and quickly exiting the dormitory.

" Whats with her?" Ginny asked herself and shrugged, returning to her work.

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" It's nothing Ron." Hermione said haughtily, avoiding his gaze.

" Hermione, I know somethings wrong, just tell me. Please." he pleaded.

" Ron, I already said that there was nothing wrong. Why do you insist on pushing my buttons?" She wanted to shout ' You suck in bed and you aren't worth my time! ' to him, but held the urge.

" Our marriage is on the rocks isn't it Herm?"

" We don't have a marriage Ron."

" That's what you think." he said as he pushed her down on the bed and began to take her robes off.

However, Hermione was having none of it. "Ron, get your hands off me this instant." she yelled and flung him off of her.

" Hermione..I was just..trying to be-"

" I don't care, get out of here." She said glaring at him.

" But, Mioney-"

" Get out!"

" Geez, its somebody's time of the month." he muttered.

Hermione threw a book at him.

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Colin Creevey was nervously fidgeting his hands together. Today was the first day of the Harry Potter fan club- I mean, the Harry Potter Support Group. And Colin was the leader.

He walzted into the empty classrom turned HPSG headquarters and addressed his fellows, which included Dennis Creevey, Susan Bones, Terry Boot, Ernie Macmillian, Padma Patil, Kirk Cobalt, Max Lesteem, Rodney Bullock, Larry Snider, Lance Rudolph, Alicia Mastrong, Glo Namine, Abby Shornett, and Kira Wilson. A total of fifteen people, Colin included.

" Well, I hadn't expected this many people to show up. Thank you all for coming, and lets get started. We are a Harry Potter fan- I mean, a Harry Potter Support Group. We show love and admiration for our hero as best we can. Our rules and regulations are posted on the wall over there and specific jobs will be assigned to each one of you."

Dennis raised his hand. Colin sighed. " Yes Dennis?"

" What all are we going to have in this fan club, I mean, SUPPORT group?" Dennis asked.

" Good question. Let me go over the basics. We are going to have spies, I mean, reporters, who try to figure out every intimate detail of Harry Potter's life, then we are going to have writers, who write the information we get down in articles for our "Harry Potter magazine" Then we are going to have someone in charge of editing, revising, and printing the magazine and then we are going to have everyone in the group, sell magazine subscriptions and make sure they get delivered on time, either by owl, or by hand. "

He continued. " We eventually hope to make Harry Potter merchandise and open a catalog for our magazine. We will also hold many Harry Potter holidays and events and we will have meetings every tuesday and thursday over our group and how we can improve or any problems we need to fix, etc. We will also make sure Harry Potter's life is easier, by offering to help him in any way we can. As far as that goes, I really do not have any further ideas over what we could do."

" Any questions?" Colin looked around the room.

" I wanna be a reporter."

" Me too!"

" No! I want to be the reporter! I'm better at it!"

" No I am!"

" No! Me!"

" No, Colin! Pick me!"

Colin rubbed his head, this was going to be a loooooooooooooong day...

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" Ok, now, lift off everyone!" Wood shouted, drilling his team. It was raining outside and everyone was soaked and tired. This had been the sixth time that evening to lift off and the Gryffindors were more than a little angry. Wood was going to practise the life out of them.

Wood was thinking something along the same lines. He wanted to practise the Gryffindors Quidditch team to the brink of extinction. Or atleast until they became an endangered species.

He was also thinking that if he had to look at Harry Potter's sodding, wet body for another hour, he was going to scream.

Needless to say, Quidditch practise was soon ended following those thoughts because Oliver Wood had to take care of some...er...things...

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**I'm sorry guys. I know this chapter is utterly confusing and slightly abnormal with its out-of-context parts.**

**Anyways, the invisible plot is moving along nicely I think, although there is much more craziness and oddities to come. **

**Chapter Five to be posted soon.**

**Blessed Be!**


	5. When your mind plays tricks on you

Anyways, since no one has complained about my craziness getting out of hand, I'm going to continue the way I have been. I need to remind you though, that this story, while it may have a few intimate scenes, ok well a little more than a few, it will not be very graphic because I am now paranoid of my story getting deleted because it did once before , when I went over the line I guess. Anyways, I hate to keep you waiting, Oh and by the way, grtgreendragon69 is NOT Draco, Draco, has no idea what a computer is, so it can't be Draco, its just some idiot on the internet te he he he

And now to acknowledge the ever-so-astounding reviews!

**undercoverphlover**: Sorry to confuse you, but then again, maybe I'm not because I plan on keeping up a pretty steady stream of confusion. Hold on tight.

**Tinuviel Simbelmyne**: Well, not_ everyone_, but I would venture to say at least the vast majority of the wizarding world, and almost the whole majority in my wizarding world now that old Voldie's gone lol

**fattoad**: Thank you very much. (bows)

**XOne.By.OneX**: I hope you like this chapter just as much, and best of luck on not getting caught by parental units! I hope I've avoided any bad things happening during the delay! (scared look)

**iridescentcloud**: Lol no I can assure you I would never steal anything, especially a written word. I've had people nick my work before on other sites and it's a **TERRIBLE** feeling. Geesh. Awful. I'm glad that you're enjoying the come-back. I felt I needed to re-vamp it and get re-acquainted with my characters and plot because it had been so long since I've updated. (I lost my internet for a very long time) I needed to kind of re-start everything so I could get back into the swing. It's coming along nicely and I'm really hoping we'll be able to see this one to completion. At last! No worries about re-reviewing, I'll take as many reviews as I can get, no matter the chapter lol. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well, thank you!

and of course, a special thank you to 00 _FrozenFears_ _Cailleac _ _littledestruction _ _Animefreak Rin iridescentcloud_ 00 for adding me/my story to their Favorites(and/or)Alerts. I am in your debt.

great thanks are given as well to those who read but didn't review, I know you're out there!

Chapter Five: When your mind plays tricks on you

Enjoy!

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Harry Potter was laying awake in Gryffindor Tower, unable to get to sleep, because of thoughts of a certain, ' dragon ' were keeping him awake.

He knew he was gay. Or atleast bisexual. As painful as it was for him to admit, he couldn't lie to himself. He wanted to lie, tried to lie, but the problem was, he didn't believe himself. It was just such an occasion he was having at the moment.

" I'm not gay" Harry thought inside his head.

" Yes you are." His head thought back at him.

" No, I'm not, I'm just...curious."

" Curious my ass! You're a bloody poof!"

" No, " Harry thought, scowling, " I am not. I just- well...the girls that I've been with , haven't ...er...been that good in the...the...bed."

Harry's mind snorted. If that is even possible for minds to do. "Whatever. Those girls did fine and you know it, you just couldn't get off on it because you're not in to girls."

" Whatever mind, you know nothing."

" Of course, I know absolutely nothing, You know, because I'm not a vital organ and all, and I don't hold information, or thoughts, or memories, whatever. I'm your pancreas yeah there we go." his mind said sarcastically.

" You don't have to take it so personally."

" Yes, I do, because I am a part of you, and you are Mr. Sensitive."

" I am not."

" Are too."

" Not."

" Too."

" Not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, NOT."

" Too, Too, Too, Too, Too, Too, Too, Too, Too, TOO."

Harry visibly stuck out his tongue.

" Oh that's mature." his mind rolled its eyes.

" Shut up. I don't have to listen to you anymore."

" Yes you do."

" No I don't" Harry frowned and brought his fingers to his ears. " See?" he plugged up his ears and started saying aloud " La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La"

" I'm inside your head, you dolt. How thick are you?"

Harry began, singing louder. " LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA LAAAAA!" he said as loud as he could.

" What the bloody hell is going on here!"

" Whoever is singing needs to shut the fuck up because this isn't a Weird Sister's concert and I'm trying to get some sleep!"

" Who was singing?"

" Was that you Harry?"

" Umm...m-maybe.. I ... I had a bad dream guys, I was just trying to calm myself down." Harry stammered. He hadn't meant to wake his roommates.

" Well the next time you have a bloody bad dream, take it outside or wank off or something!"

" Yes, and definitely don't sing, you suck eggs at it Potter!"

And with that, everyone rolled over to go back to sleep.

" See what happens when you try to ignore me?"

" Fuck off and die." Harry said, trying to get to sleep.

" How dare you! This is the thanks I get for years of hard labor! I'll see how you treat me, when I refuse to work anymore."

" Whatever, just go fuck yourself and leave me the hell alone."

Harry's brain ' hrumphed ' and devised a plan to get back at Harry.

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Lucius Malfoy had a plan. He was going to exterminate Harry Potter. He was going to somehow, lure Potter into the Malfoy mansion, and then he would seek his revenge.

Potter was going to die, for taking his Voldie away from him, for causing him pain and anguish, and for making his son, who was NOT gay, fall in love with him.

Wait...Son...Gay...Love...he smiled evilly. There was a chance he could use Draco to lure Potter into the mansion.

If he played his cards right.

He decided to start by sending a letter to Draco.

_Draco, _

_After careful thought, and deep planning, I have come to the conclusion that I will not interefere with you and your infatuation with the Potter kid. However, I still will not accept the concept that you may be "gay" as you call it. _

_Anyways, just get the damn Potter kid to fall in love with you so I can get on with my life!_

_Your dearly, beloved father,_

_Lucius. _

He smiled. This letter would do fine.

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Colin Creevey stood at the podium in the Harry Potter Support Group headquarters.

" So, " he said, " What news do we have to print today?"

Several of the spies, I mean, _Reporters_, raised their hands.

He pointed at one, "Dennis?"

Dennis stood up. " I have information that Harry Potter awakened his doormates last night, because he was singing, very loudly. When Mr. Potter was questioned about his singing antics, he said it was because he had a bad dream and was trying to calm himself down." Dennis sat.

" Excellent information Den, we will put an article about this on the second page. Susan? Do you have information?"

" Well, I have information that Gryffindor will play Hufflepuff in a game next weekend. The game was orginally in two weeks, but for some reason, the um...narrarator has been switching around the Quidditch games and practises." She said nervously.

" Interesting." Colin said. " Put that on the front page as well. Anyone else?"

" I have information that Harry Potter sleeps in the nude." Glo Namine said standing up.

" Where did you get this?" Colin asked.

" From a reliable, but anonymous source. " said Glo.

" Interesting. This as well shall go on the front page. Anyone else?"

" I have information that Harry Potter open mouth kissed a Unicorn once."

" I have information that Harry Potter is in love with the Potion's Proffessor."

" So thats nothing, I have information that Harry Potter is attracted to a blondes."

All of the girls in the support group immediately checked their hair and as soon as the meeting was over, were the first to rush out of the room and go dye their hair blonde...

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" Harry, Harry? You have to eat something. Harry? Are you asleep?"

Harry jolted awake. He was at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall and he had no idea how he had gotten here.

He tried to think, but he soon realised he couldn't do that either.

All of a sudden his hand shot down and started scooping food that he didn't even like into his mouth. He couldn't understand why he was eating this, and for that matter, couldn't stop eating it either.

" Harry, something's wrong with you today." Hermione said skeptically.

" Yeah mate, are you ok? Was it that dream you had last night?"

Harry wanted to say " Yes! Something is very wrong! But no sound came out, he couldn't even open his mouth. He found himself swallowing another bite of food. " I'm fine you guys, don't worry."

Those words had come out of his mouth! But they weren't his words!

Something freaky was going on with the Boy Wonder today...

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Draco Malfoy was floating on cloud nine. Harry Potter had just agreed to be friends with him! This was so cool!

" I can't believe it! Potter and me friends! So quickly! Of course, I am going to make us much more than friends, but this is an even better start than I'd thought I'd have." Draco squealed, a very un-malfoyish squeal.

" What to wear today, What to wear today?" Draco was busily going through wardrobe number one. He had five wardrobes, so it was very difficult for him to decide what to wear. They were sorted by " Everyday clothes" " Sexy winter clothes" " Formal sexy outfits" "Sleeping Attire" and " Wanting to get shagged" wardrobe.

He chose an outfit out of the fifth wardrobe and got dressed.

"You'd better be ready, Potter." he said, putting the finishing touches on his outfit.

" I look every part the dragon I am and I'm flaming for you." he said and growled hungrily.

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Hermione Granger was in the library finishing up on her Charm's essay. She was busily flipping through, the mountain of books piled on her desk. Of course she was paying no attention to the outside world whatsoever and of course didn't hear the footsteps as someone approached her table and almost ended up snapping her quill in two when someone said " Excuse me."

It was none other than Pansy Parkinson, Slytherin Ice Princess. " Excuse me, Granger, do you think I could maybe, borrow that book right there? I need it for a Charm's essay I have due..." Pansy trailed off looking at her shoes.

Hermione was slightly startled by her politeness. " Sure, of course, I've already read through it, there are some good points in there, and also in this one right here, " she said, indicating another book, " It has some really major lightning bolts on exactly the right wand movements to use when doing the " Arand Magnus" charm. "

" The Arand Magnus charm? That's exactly what I'm lookng for."

" Well, you know, you are perfectly welcome to study with me if you can find room with all of these books piled everywhere, we could help each other and what not, since we're both doing the same essay. I've got some really good notes out of a charms book that I managed to get out of the restricted section of the library during my second year, " Hermione rumaged in her bag " Here they are, I always keep them, I've found them quite useful."

Pansy sat down and together they eagerly began to work vigorously on their Charms essays.

Each witch thinking of the other as ' Not as bad as I thought she was ' .

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Harry Potter was scared.

Very scared.

He had no control of his actions, words, and he didn't have any thoughts. So he could not figure out what was wrong with him.

If he had been able to think, he might have realised that it was his brain taking revenge.

Whatever it was, it was scaring the shit out of Harry Potter.

" Mr. Potter, can you tell me, exactly what is the property of Wolfsbane that makes it so special?"

Before Harry even had time to think his mouth splurted out " Yes sir, Wolfsbane is a antioxidant making it a very good ingredient for healing potions."

Snape looked shocked. " You're correct Mr. Potter. Five points from Gryffindor for cheating off of Ms. Granger's paper."

" But sir, Ms. Granger is ten feet behind me."

" I don't care. You still cheated."

" Mr. Finnigan, what are the magical properties most associated with blah, blah , blah." Snape went on to his next victim. Harry was scared, that hadn't been his words that had answered the question.

He was also very frustrated. He wanted to look at Draco very much but Draco was on the other side of the room, and Harry couldn't even blink his eyes, nonetheless turn his head to look at Draco.

What the hell was going on?

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" What the hell is going on?" Draco whispered to Blaise who was next to him. " Potter never answers a Potions question correctly, and I know he's attracted to me, and I know he bloody saw me at breakfast, but he hasn't given me one glance since then!"

Draco was angry. " Maybe, um. I dunno. Maybe, he's distracted or something." Blaise said unintelligently.

" What the hell does he have to be distracted about?" Draco asked.

Quietly, ever so quietly, making sure Snape wasn't paying attention, he got up to pretend he was going to get another potions ingredient. " Psst. Potter. Potter!" Draco said, trying to get his attention. How could Potter not hear him?

" He's ignoring me!" Draco whispered to himself frantically. " Why is he ignoring me?"

" Potter! Potter!" Draco whispered, vigorously trying to get his attention. " Why the bloody hell are you ignoring me! I thought we were supposed to be friends you dickweed!" Draco suddenly yelled out loud, getting the whole classes attention.

Of course, he didn't want the whole class to know that he was crushing on Potter, so he quickly said. " Umm yes, thats an exert from a muggle play entitled ' Oh my fucking Jesus, why won't you fucking listen to me and stop ignoring me! " He gulped.

" Buy tickets." he said nervously and went back to take his seat. Swearing to Potter that his death was coming soon. Nobody ignores this dragon.

" You're playing with fire, Potter, and its only a matter of time before you get burned." he said and tuned back in to the lesson.

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**Well that is it for now everyone! I realise this chapter may not be as crazy or hilarious as the previous ones and I apologize, I was trying to move along the invisible plot.**

**Anyways, thank you so much for all of your lovely reviews and I can say you won't be dissapointed with this story. It may be predictable and you may even have the major idea of all of the character pairings, but I still have a few crazy surprises up my sleeve, so stay tuned!**

**Blessed Be!**


	6. More gay than tutu wearing Dark Lords

Thanks everyone, oh so very much for your wonderful , wonderful reviews. I promise that you romantics out there, who want Harry and Draco to get together, are going to have a rather...interesting time reading this chapter.

I would just like to note this, because I'm re-vamping this story chapter by chapter, I'm rewriting most of these snazzy chapter introductions. Well, on this particular chapter I had mentioned at the beginning that my grandmother had passed away that day. And I was going to not include that in here, but it kind of felt wrong. So I'm leaving it noted. And I'm dedicating this chapter to her. I didn't know her as well as I could of, but she was the only other person in my family that liked to write and she could write well. So this chapter is for her. Thank you!

And now, as always, my lovely lovely reviewers

**Dreamsofdragons**: Don't tell me I have to hire another frigging voodoo priest to raise you from the dead, just so you can read this next chapter! Man! Well...I guess I can foot the bill, a nice reviewer's life is always worth it I suppose. Lol. I'm ever so flattered that you liked it to death.

**undercoverphlover**: I say a lot of things that sound weird. Hence these six chapters past. See? There I go again! Oh well... lol

**XOne.By.OneX**: You haven't been caught yet? Man, I'm not doing my job am I? Lol, we'll see if you can say that by the end of this fic. Gah, was I bragging? Well...I guess someone's got to do it... thank you!

**fattoad**: Seriously? I'm not sure. Some things (like I've said before) is stuff I've heard off television that just tickled me or inspired me. Most of it just kinda comes out when my fingers touch the key board. I dunno. I learned not to fight it a long time ago, though. I always lose...

and thanks as well 00 _Dreamsofdragons_ 00 for adding me/my story to Alerts/Favorites. It is appreciated.

and I tip my hat to those that read without reviewing!

Now, on with the tale.

Chapter Six: More gay than tutu wearing Dark Lords

Enjoy!

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Harry was a little freaked out. He had went through today with nothing more than pure emotions and only a little thought process. His body seemed to be working mechanically, while Harry just came along for the ride.

He hadn't been able to respond when he'd heard Draco trying to get his attention, though he wanted to badly.

Not because he was gay or he liked Draco or anything like that, He just thought it was...was...rude! umm...to not answer someone when they are talking to you, yeah thats it!

It was now just after lunch and Harry was watching himself as he seemed to be walking around the grounds, without stopping.

"Do I really walk like this?" Harry said all of a sudden. " Oh sweet Merlin wearing thong knickers I can talk!" he yelled, as several heads turned to look at him, appalled.

" Umm...uh..." Harry stammered, looking embarrassed. " That was an exert from a broadway--, you know what? Nevermind. Bugger off and mind your own business first years." Harry said and turned to sit on the ground on the far side of the lake.

' Now, you know what happens when you ignore me' his mind said.

' You did this to me!' Harry mind-screamed.

' Yes, and it was for your own good, maybe next time you won't be so quick to throw insults to something that you should worship.'

Harry literally threw his hands over his head and lowered his nose to the ground repeatedly saying "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy." out loud.

His mind sighed. " Honestly, I was just kidding. But that was a taste of what could happen to you, if you don't start treating me with some respect."

Harry sighed. " Are you sure you're a part of me, you sound like a girl."

" I am a girl." his mind said idignantly.

" I'm not a girl!" Harry mind-yelled.

" No, you aren't, but I am. You see, your body, and outer appearances, and all but two of your organs are masculine. But your heart and mind are feminine."

" Oh my god." Harry paled.

" Yep. You should feel lucky ya know. Not all guys have a feminine side. Typically, its only gay guys who have feminine parts. Same with homosexual girls. Their brains and hearts are masculine. Its sort of what causes you to be..well...homosexual..." his mind trailed off.

" You mean all of this started because of you!" Harry mind-shouted.

" Yep." his mind beamed.

" I think I'm going to be sick..." Harry held his stomach.

" Oh honestly, its not that bad. Most people can't communicate with their brains as an excess entity like you can. It takes skill. Or drugs. Whichever comes first."

" So if you're a girl...what's your name?"

" Why, my name is ' Harry Potter's brain.' of course!"

" Hmm...nope. That's not going to work. I think I'll call you...Stella. Yes, Stella is a nice name."

" You can't be serious!" Stella said, appalled.

" Dead serious. Now, Stella, what do you think we should spend the rest of this fine day doing?"

" I resent being called that!" Stella squealed.

" Too late."

" I'll shut you off you know. I control your every move. I am the brain. I have power."

" And I'm the heart." peeped a small voice.

" What the hell was that?" Harry asked, looking around.

Stella sighed. " Now, Harry Potter's heart, you know what happens when you try to get involved, you screw everything up. Now just pipe down and let me handle everything.

" No I want to help ' Arry out too!" the little voice squeaked.

" Oh crap." sighed Stella.

" Wow, this is so weird."

" Tell me about it. I have the name of a muggle book character." Stella sighed again.

" I like your name. I guess I'll call myself, Blanche." Blanche peeped.

" Oh Gods this day could not possibly get any worse..." Stella sighed yet, again.

" Personally, I like her name." Harry said.

And with that, Harry and Blanche talked animatedly on, with Stella pausing them so she could sigh every few seconds...

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" Why did he ignore me!" Draco shouted, pacing the floor of his dormitory.

" I dunno...maybe you didn't look...good enough..." Blaise said.

Draco turned to him, his eyes literally flaming. " What did you say?" Draco said, in a cold, icy voice. It definitely wasn't his " Happy go gay boy" voice.

" Nothing." Blaise said, knowing he didn't want to dig himself deeper.

" How could you even think I didn't look good enough?! I looked bloody amazing! I could make House Elf rags look like top of the line wizard fashion! How could anyone be so...thick!" Draco rampaged.

" Maybe, he's not gay." Blaise said, hoping to death that wasn't true.

" Blaise, open your eyes, he's more gay than Voldemort wearing a tutu, prancing around like Lavendar Brown, holding a fluffy poodle, doing everyone's nails! Of course he's gay!"

" You have a point." Blaise said.

" Searchabot!" Draco yelled.

Searchabot rustily robot walked up to Draco. " Yes, Master?" it said in its mechanical voice.

" Searchabot, search ' Harry Potter' I want to know what he's doing, where he is, what his last sentence was and if he's gay or not."

It took a minute.

" Results found." Searchabot said. " Harry Potter, is picking daisies, sitting by the Great Lake, and his last sentence was " Blanche, you know I would Totally shag him!", Computer evaluation: He is more gay than poodle carrying tutu wearing, nail doing, Dark Lords. 95 percent homosexual. 5 percent questioning." then Searchabot was silent as mechanical clicks spluttered around the machine.

Draco raised an eyebrow at Blaise, " And you thought he wasn't gay?"

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Hermione was frustrated. Ron hadn't been putting out the way she'd hoped. It was time to break the bond they shared. She didn't like Ron as anything more than a friend. She just hoped Ron understood.

" Umm Ron?" Hermione started, catching up to him in the common room, " We need to talk."

" Sure. " Ron said, and led her up to her room. Hermione closed the door and locked and silenced it.

" Ron, I think we should start seeing other people." Hermione said, sighing.

' Uh oh' Ron thought. He knew that line, trust me, when your girl starts saying "_I think we should see other people_" she's definitely already picked a pony out of the herd and if she isn't riding him yet, she's _at least_ taken the saddle out of the barn...

" Why do you think that?" he asked, trying to remain calm.

Hermione sighed. " It's not you , it's me." she said, knowing fully well that it was indeed him.

Ron knew what that line meant. It definitley was him.

" Hermione. I don't understand, why you don't want to be with me anymore?"

" I just need some space." she said, forgetting to add "_without you in it_."

" Space? You have plenty of space in this bloody room! What more space do you need?"

Hermione sighed and didn't answer.

" Is there someone else?" Ron said.

" Is there?" He groaned. " Answer me!"

" No, Ron." He knew that that meant there definitley IS someone else.

" I thought what we had was special Hermione!" he wailed, heading for the door and starting to disable the locking charms.

" We can still be friends!" Hermione called after him, as he ran from her dorm.

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" Oh Gods Ginny, we look like absolute whores!" Lavendar wailed eyeing herself and Ginny in the mirror.

" That kinda is the point Lav." Ginny said, giggling.

It was true. Ginny Weasley looked like your common, everyday, wizard whore. Her hair was in tight ringlets, she had caked the makeup on her face, she was wearing enough perfume to gag someone and her outfit left very little to the imagination. Her and Lavendar were dressed in skimpy, tight tube tops, that tied in front, and was held by one single string in back. They were wearing equally tight pants that had the crotch cut out as well as the butt. They were both wearing thong underwear underneath. Ginny's top was red, her pants were black and her thong was red. Lavendar's blonde hair was exactly like Ginny's, her makeup as well and her top was purple, pants were black and her thong was definitely purple.

They were both carrying handbags that include, dildos, among other sexual toys, condoms, whipped cream, chocolate, cherries, birth control pills, Plan B pills, water based lubricant, oral gel, and edible underwear.

They were test driving their genius costumes tonight. The next night would be soley for one Harry Potter who was in for the night of his life.

" Finishing touch." Ginny said as she slipped a purple collar around Lavendar and a red one on herself. " Eat your heart out Harry." she said and kissed the mirror, her and Lavendar heading downstairs to see how well their project would work.

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Harry Potter was sitting by the Great Lake, so deeply absorbed inside his conversation with Blanche that he didn't notice when Draco stood right behind him. He also didn't notice when one Slytherin, began violently poking him on the shoulder trying to get his attention.

"Hey genius." Stella said, interrupting Blanche, Someone's here to see you." she said, a smirk in her voice.

" Oh gosh! it's Draco!" Blanche squeaked. " We absolutley _**Adore**_ Draco!" she squealed excitedly.

" What? No way!" Harry said.

" Yes sirree Harry Barry! I'm your heart, and I can say that you are totally head over heels in love with him." Blanche said. " I've known this for forever, but you insist on ignoring me and not listening to me." she accused, a hint of sadness in her voice.

" Don't be silly, Blanche, I'd never fall in love with a Malfoy, I'm not even gay."

" Of course you are! You were just saying how you'd ' Totally' shag Johnny Depp a few minutes ago!" Stella said, mind yelling.

" But that was-"

" No time Harry, he's leaving, you'd better hurry."

" Malfoy wait! " Harry said to his retreating back.

" Potter? What the hell is wrong with you? First you ignore me in Potions and now, you're so blatantly making it obvious that you want nothing to do with me, so I'll be on my way."

" No Malfoy! Don't go, I- I don't want you to go." Harry said sheepishly.

Malfoy raised an eyebrow. " Are you sure you won't zone out on me again?"

" Positive." Harry said. Draco sat down.

They sat in silence for awhile before Harry spoke. " Malfoy, I'm sorry for ignoring you today, I truly didn't mean it. I just...I just get caught up in my head so much I lose track of reality." Harry said.

Draco sighed. " I know what you mean Potter." he said, pulling out a cigarette.

" You do?"

" Yes. It happens to me often." he said taking a drag, he offered one to Harry. " You want one? They're cherry flavored."

" These things are bad for your health." he said.

Draco sighed. " Potter, seriously, you call yourself a wizard? Wizard cigarrettes, are made with a relaxing potion, making them totally healthy. They work alot better than muggle cigarrettes too, they help relieve stress alot better. And they come in better flavors."

" In that case, I'll have one." Harry said, lighting it up with the tip of his wand.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes. It was Draco who broke the silence this time. " You know what Potter?" he said, looking over at Harry.

" What?" Harry asked, mouth full of cigarrette smoke he soon released.

" I feel...good, when I'm around you." he said, looking confused. " I feel more relaxed, carefree, like I can tell you anything."

" Maybe its all the cigarrettes." Harry suggested.

" I think you're right. This is the first pack I've ever had. I'm almost out." he said, frowning at his almost empty pack.

" I guess you'll have to get some more." Harry suggested.

" I guess so."

" Man, I wish we could shag." Harry said, immediately regretting it.

Draco turned to him so quickly, he almost snapped his neck. " What was that?" he asked, raising a brow.

" Um.. That was an exert from a Broadway play, entitled, uhh.. " Oh my fucking Jesus, I can't believe I said that. " Harry said, stammering, standing up.

He started to back away. " Buy tickets." he said as he bolted for the castle.

Draco chuckled. " Harry you are one messed up bitch. But you're my messed up bitch." he said, blowing ringlets of smoke out of his mouth. " And I'm flaming for you."

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" Pincey!" Minerva yelled, running into the library. " Pincey!"

" Big M, what is it?" Pincey said, getting up and looking frightened.

" Is anyone here?" Big M asked, looking around suspiciously.

" No, no, Granger just left with a shit load of books five minutes ago. Now what is wrong?"

" Pincey, the most horrible thing."

" What?"

" Look." she shoved a notebook under her nose. It said, Harry Potter on the cover. Madame Pince opened the notebook. She gasped.

All over the notebook, page after page, after page was the name " Draco Malfoy" written inside a million and one hearts.

" He's gay, Pincey he's a bloody poofter!" Big M wailed.

Pince felt like crying as well. She then smiled.

" What is there to smile about Pincey! Our dream boy is...is...is gay!" Big M let out a long cry of anguish.

" Then we'll just have to turn him straight." Madame Pince said, a smirk on her face.

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" Now if we just add a little dab of mascara here...there we go...Ah ha!" Cho Chang screeched. " Luna, you look absolutely perfect!"

It was true. Luna's hair was straight and silky light blonde. Her pale blue eyes shone without her glasses, her freckles and acne were gone and make up added to her face. She was wearing a slinky shimmery top and a wavy skirt cut at the thigh. A flower barrette in her hair added to her perfection. Luna Lovegood was now a looker.

And Luna Lovegood was going to Love Harry Potter, ...Good...

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**Dun Dun Dun. (dramatic horror music) The plot thickens Muahahahahahahaaaa!**

**I'm kidding. There is no plot to thicken. So then...The plot that isn't here thickens! Muahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa! (evil laughter)**

**Anyways, I hope this chapter didn't take the craziness too far, (as if there's a limit to craziness) and I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did lol.**

**The names of Harry's mind and heart were originally Britney and lil' Brit, respectively but I changed them. Their new names are from a play titled ' A Streetcar Named Desire' by Tenesse Williams. I thought the personalities were perfect for how I envisioned the characters of Harry Potter's organs.**

**Is it weird that I'm naming Harry Potter's organs? Maybe so. But I embrace weird lol.**

**Also the Hermione/Ron breakup lines were stolen from my favorite comedian Mr. Jeff Foxworthy. I am not worthy of using them, nor am I a fox, but I typically don't let little things like self-worth and homosapienism get in the way of things.**

**Otherwise, how would anything get done around here?**

**Blessed Be!**


	7. Evil Plans and Flying Purple Monkeys

Disclaimer: I am really not J.K. Rowling. I know, I know, our writing styles are much the same, but I really am not her. I promise. Do you think I would really go so far as to make a fake name just to pretend to NOT be myself? I'm not that odd! I'm really not her, I swear! ...Alright. _Believe what you want..._

And now,

The seventh installment to my ever-blossoming story has arrived!

But first, a big thank you to all of my reviewers. (side note) don't you love how I just claim you all as MINE? Great isn't it?)

**fattoad**: I thought so. Lol if you thought that was bad, man, you've got a long ways to go lol. Gracias!

**Laxun14**: You and me both kiddo, you and me both lol. Actually, come to think of it, I'd probably be after Snape. But if he wasn't available, it'd be Draco all the way (drools) He's fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. I'm glad you appreciate how I'm writing this. This is where I go to let loose from sense and structure and just let my brain do what it wants with these characters. I find it a very successful method so far. Thank you!

**Dreamsofdragons**: I'm proud of you too! Let's see if you can catch future references. Because, with me, there will always be future allusions. It's inescapable. Glad you liked it, here's another appetizer for your comic tastebuds!

**XOne.By.OneX**: Hmm. I didn't know dead people could leave reviews. But apparently I've gotten lucky. Good thing to because a lot of you seem to be suffering from fatal boughts of laughter. Can't imagine why...

and also to

00_ Laxun14 dysney HarryPotter's-angel _00 (don'tcha just love these little bubbles? Ok, maybe they're zeroes but I'm going to call them bubbles. And get away with it.)

for adding me/my story to Alerts/Favorites. I am much obliged.

**Chapter Seven: Evil Plans and Flying Purple Monkeys**

Enjoy!

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 (-- bubbles)

Harry blushed and sat down in his Herbology class. It was a very good thing he didn't have Herbology with the Slytherins. He had successfully avoided Draco's gaze all day long and he was glad to be free of the pursuing Slytherin.

" Hey, Harry, " Ron started, " Who was that girl you said you liked?"

" Ron, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, I like the blonde one." Harry said, starting to get annoyed.

" Which one?" Ron asked, gesturing around the room

Harry gaped. All of the girls in his class were sporting blonde hair. He knew that most of those girls didn't have natural blonde hair.

" What the hell is going on?" Harry asked.

" I don't know mate, I don't know..." Ron said, shaking his head.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 (-- bubbles)

Hermione sighed as she did her nails while her hair dried. It had been a long day. First the break up with Ron, then the tough exams, and finally, illegally flooing over to Diagon Alley to pick up some " Wanda's Witches Hair Dye" she was tired.

She decided to re-read the H.P Phoenix, within it containing the H.P Snitch.

The H.P Phoenix, was the Harry Potter newsletter, that told everything recently happening in Harry's life, the facts. Quidditch games, test scores, new bruises, scratches, or diseases, recent demerits or detentions and the last interesting things he said. Basically, just Harry Potter's life.

The H.P Snitch however, was the gossip. The juicy stuff. Where they told of Harry's recent shags, love interests, racier versions of the Phoenix, and anything else you could think of. Hermione had recently read in the Snitch, that Harry had a thing for blondes, so naturally, Hermione raced off and bought the first bottle of blonde hair dye she came into contact with. ( Of course, the Snitch also stated that Harry open mouth kissed a unicorn once, but that was overlooked.)

Hermione wasn't alone, half the girls in school had raced off and done the same thing. She still had plans to get Harry. Of course, Hermione's plans would work better than everyone else's because Hermione was...

...well she was Hermione.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 (-- bubbles)

Draco was happy. Harry Potter had shown interest in him. Now it was time to go in for the kill. He was idly thinking of ways to seduce one raven haired Gryffindor, when Blaise Zabini burst in.

" Draco Malfoy, you lucky bastard." He said as he came into the room, holding a copy of The H.P Snitch in his hands.

" What did I do this time Blasie?" Draco purred, not interested.

" Look at this."

" Bloody hell, A unicorn! I knew Potter was weird, but I didn't know he was that weird!"

" No, no silly, below that!"

" Ohhhhhh...Blondes huh? Well, well, well, looks like I'm on good terms with Potter."

" Like I said, you're a lucky bastard, I'd look absolutely stupid if I dyed my hair blonde, plus then everyone would know I liked Harry and-"

" You like Harry?" Draco snapped and narrowed his eyes.

" Um...yeah." Blaise stammered.

" Well you can't have him."

" Why not Draco?"

" Because I am a vampire."

" Well I've known that for a long time now. What does that have to do with anything?"

" Because, Harry is my mate. You don't need me to explain vampires and their mates to you do you?"

Blaise looked confused.

Draco sighed. " When a vampire is born, he automatically has a mate, no matter what. There are certain things that keep a vampire's mate from being killed or from turning into a vampire by another vampire, until they find each other. Vampires, once their mates are found, they do anything to gain affection from their mates. And once their mates accept their affection, they turn their mates into vampires and are forever bonded. Also, vampires are VERY possesive and will go as far as killing anyone who harms their mate in any way and will even lay down their own life for their mate."

" Wow. I didn't know that. Well, this sucks. How come you didn't tell me this before?"

" Because I am the only one who knows. I never told my mother or father or anyone. You are my best friend so I'm telling you. Potter doesn't even know, though I'm sure he has some sort of feeling for me. But, that is why you can't have Potter. Sorry."

" Man, my life just seems to be getting worse and worse. I hope you know you have competition Draco."

Draco looked angry. " You're still going after him after what I've told you!"

" No. But Lavendar Brown, Seamus Finnigan, Oliver Wood, the youngest Weasley and countless others still are. And its rumored that the Granger girl is as well. She just broke up with the smallest Weasley boy." Blaise said.

" Hmm. Pushovers." Draco said. " I thought you said I had competition Blaise?" He smirked.

" What is it with vampires and their vanity?" Blaise asked, feigning shock.

Draco threw a pillow at him.

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Pansy smirked. A muggle magazine out of a subscription she had ordered told her everything she needed to know about Potter's so called disease. It was quite funny actually as she read what it really was.

" Not sexy at all anymore." she said quietly. She loved reading about muggle things. She was checking up on the latest fashions. When a thought rushed through her head. ' Granger's not that bad, once you get to know her.' she thought. ' No, not that bad at all. We have so much in common. We both love to read, love to study, we both make good grades, we both like muggle studies, and we both are hopelessly in love with Harry freaking Potter.' she smirked.

' Wait a minute. Why the hell am I in love with Potter?' she asked herself. ' I mean, its not like he's that great. Savior of the Wizarding world and all , yes, thats nice, but other than that, what makes him so special?' she frowned. ' Bloody hell, I don't know what makes him special! He's rude and arrogant and he's a guy and I believe in female power. Why did I ever think I liked him?' She stroked her chin.

' Maybe because everybody else does. Hmm. No. I definitely don't like Potter.' she thought, smiling.

" I'm too much of a feminist to like Potter." she said aloud.

' Now Granger on the other hand...that's another story...' and left alone in her bed with thoughts of one bright witch, Pansy drifted off out of reality.

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" Blast you Potter, I must have you!" the man snarled, vigorously pacing his office. " That stupid bloody Potter and his stupid bloody hotness and his stupid bloody age restriction!" He pounded his fist on his desk.

" How can I get him? Certainly, he will never come to me, I've made his life too miserable to ever think of that. But maybe I don't need a relationship with Potter. Bloody Hell I'm no HufflePuff, talking about relationships, I don't want a relationship. I just want to shag his brains out!"

" Thats it! I'll find him alone on a dark corridor, and shag his brains out. Just a taste, just to see if I like him. And if I like him...well, then, I'll put him under the Imperius and force him to be my man-slave!"

" Yes Potter, we'll see who gets the better of you..." he trailed off and chugged down another shot of vodka.

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Ron was staring out at the Quidditch Pitch, all alone one evening, mulling over his thoughts of Hermione. He was lost in his trance until he heard footsteps approaching.

" Ron." the voice called out "What are you doing here? Practise is tomorrow." Oliver Wood said, coming up to sit beside him on the bleachers.

" Nuthin..." Ron said dully, looking every bit like something was wrong.

" I heard about you and Hermione mate. I'm sorry. I- I kind of know how you feel."

" You do?" Ron asked.

" Yeah I do." he began " You just want them so much but they just push you away, and you try to be the best you can be, but she never appreciates you."

" Exactly." said Ron, catching on to the conversation.

" And you just want to please her in any way you can, and you want to be there for her and hold her and hug her."

" Yes thats exactly how I feel." said Ron.

" And kiss her, and love her, and then you want to roll her over-"

" Umm...Oliver?" Ron said. Oliver hadn't missed a beat.

" And shag him six ways to sunday and see hi-her wanting you more." Oliver finished, turning pink.

Ron didn't know what to say.

" I better be going." he said hastily. " Cheer up Ron, things will get better." he said, quickly leaving the pitch.

" Bloody Merlin, what is wrong with this school?" Ron questioned, and continued staring off in to space.

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" Ok." Lucius Malfoy said, smiling. " Just a few hundred more kinks to work out in my plan." He said.

On the surface of a twenty foot long, ten foot wide table, lay an enormous slab of parchment completely rolled out, on which Lucius was scribbling furiously. About ten feet of the slab was already covered with his quill marks, and he was still going. Newspaper clippings, various books and other texts, and a whole pile of crimpled up parchment were scattered around the room. This was some big plan.

" My plan for Harry Potter's destruction. Hmm. Oh yes, must send these eight letters to some fellow Death Eaters to get the proper materials, and I've got to remember to order that bucket out of that catalog and that french maid outfit for Narcissa, and I also need to read Draco's reply letter and get back to him on that..." Lucius mumbled and unrolled Draco's letter he had received an hour ago.

_Father,_

_Umm...I'm so grateful you've taken this so well. Thanks for accepting my relationship Father. _

_And trust me, it will soon be a relationship._

_Anyways, thank you and tell mum that the purple, flying monkeys she is looking for are in the third corridor cabinet beneath the stairs._

_Draco._

Lucius smiled. " Oh Cissie darling!" he called.

" Yes, Calvin Kleine?" she answered back.

He ignored the last comment. " Draco says that the flying purple monkeys are in the third floor cabinet under the stairs." he called.

" Oh, you want me to schedule them a hair appointment?!" she called back.

" Umm...Yes, sure whatever Cissie , just don't disturb me anymore." he yelled.

" Alright, Regis I promise not to spank the pixies anymore you frisky beast." she called back.

Lucius shook his head. Now back to his plan.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 (-- and some more. Convinced yet? I thought so.)

**That's it for now, I hope this chapter was to your liking.**

**There was a fanfiction I read that I don't even remember the name of (I think it's been removed from the site) but anyway, it was one of the funniest effing things I've ever read and in it was the idea for a Harry Potter fan club. So yes, I may have nicked that and altered it slightly but the idea wasn't originally mine. Then again, so many themes are repeated over and over in fanfics, its hard to know where they originally came from. Anyway, just letting that be known **

**and also,**

**the vampire thing,**

**it IS what you're thinking.**

**You're completely right.**

**I am waaaay too lazy to write out a Draco/Harry ceremoniously dramatically angstally working their way together to be lovers over the course of half a billion chapters fanfic. **

**What you guys are going to get is like a pre-packaged processed Harry/Draco ship, sans angst but full of fluff.**

**And I kinda like it this way. **

**Blessed Be!**


	8. Hermione: The Muggle Whore

And for the eighth chapter!

Just a note/rant I'm going to put here. As you all know, I am re-vamping this fic so all of these chapters are pre-written. In the introduction for this chapter I had explained that I received a review from someone who said that they found my "How to tell if you're gay" and the "oh my fucking jesus I'm a cocksucker" lines offensive.

First of all, I'd like to point out that _most _of the negative/derogatory remarks that are made in any chapter, are not my personal views. They are the views held by my characters, which are not _me_, even though I create their dialogue. I personally do not hold any negative opinions towards homosexuals, some of my closest friends and relatives are gay and I completely support them. Any lines or remarks I make that look offensive are for entertainment purposes only and are not in any way views I actually hold.

Secondly, I'd like to apologize for any offense anyone has taken, but I will not be changing my story. If you find material in here offensive, I suggest you read another fic. If you continue to read this anyways, then you _wanted_ to be offended and I take no personal responsibility.

That being said, I would now like to apologize in advance (as this applies to chapters I've yet to create) to the future stereotypes I might (and probably will) end up offending.

These include but are not limited to; whites, blacks, mexicans, canadians, scottish, irish, british, indians, middle easterns, feminists, sexists, racists, zoophiles, pedophiles, pagans, wiccans, christians, jews, muslims, scientologists, homosexuals, bisexuals, transexuals, hookers, whores, pimps, school teachers, doctors, lawyers, gynecologists, blondes, men, women, children, wizards, witches, ghosts, vampires and their mates, veelas, zombies, searchabots, dragons, and dildos.

My apologies.

Glad that that's over with. Now for my amazing reviewers

**fattoad**: Lol yes, and it's only going to get more and more twisted I believe. Thank you!

**iridescentcloud**: So very glad that you thought so, hope I get an identical response for this one.

**Laxun14** : You should feel special, snort laughs are the bomb-diggity, there is much more rambling to come from Snape and other characters, I've always been interested in Snape that way but also I understand that not everyone can see it, and that's completely ok with me. It means there's more Potion's Master for me! Lol hope you enjoy this installment

**XOne.By.OneX** : Well, lots of people like crack. Some of the most interesting people in the world I'm willing to guess, probably hold a great appreciation for crack. Actually, all this talk of crack has spurred an interesting idea for a future chapter. Thanks for being cracked up. Oh, and you'll figure it out, really soon. I promise.

and also a big thank you to 00 XxBreeLynettexX 00 for the whole Alerts/Favs me/my story mojo. It's almost as fantastic as a big line of crack. Yeah...

Now on with this epic!

**Chapter Eight: Hermione: The Muggle Whore**

Enjoy!

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Harry was having a very weird day. All around him, girls were throwing themselves in his path. Girls who had all suspiciously dyed their hair blonde.

He said the password to the Fat Lady who was jogging on an exercise machine a hundred miles an hour in a desperate attempt to lose weight. " Work those glutes girl! Come on!" he heard her say as the portrait swung shut behind him.

He blinked. Every girl in his common room, including Hermione had blonde hair. Ron was sitting facing Hermione red in the face.

" Hey Hermione." he said tentively. " What the fuck did you do to your head?" he asked.

" Oh, nothing, just...trying out something new. Do you like it Harry?"

" You want me to be honest?"

" Of course."

" Well, I think it looks like you got into a fight with a bottle of ' Wandas Witches hair dye' and lost. Also, if you tilt your head to the left and in the right lighting, I think you could pass for a smaller Lucius Malfoy."

Ron laughed. " I tried to tell her it made her look like a muggle whore, but she wouldn't listen."

" Ron, shut up! I don't look like a muggle whore!"

" No, you look like a Wizard's whore." Harry said, chuckling.

Hermione groaned and ran up to her dorm.

" I always thought Hermione cared more about books than beauty, but I guess I was wrong. I wonder why she's copying all of these girls at school. Why are they all dying their hair?"

" I dunno Ron, but I really could care less what a few ditzy girls do with their locks." Harry said, looking glum. He did however care for a certain blonde Slytherin, who happened to be at the other end of the castle looking sexier than hell.

" Me neither. But its weird. I personally prefer red hair to anything." Ron said.

" I prefer black hair." Seamus Finnigan said, coming up behind Harry and running his fingers through his sloppy locks.

" Seamus stop."

" Sorry Harry, couldn't resist. So why are we talking about hair color anyways?" Seamus said, sitting right next to Harry on the couch, a little too close for comfort.

" Haven't you noticed all the girls in school changing their hair color?" Ron asked.

" Course, you both know why don't you?"

" Why?" Ron asked.

" Cuz Harry here," he started, leaning close and laying his head on Harry's shoulder, " is attracted to blondes."

" What?" Harry's head snapped up, hitting Seamus in the cheek.

" Ouch." Seamus said, rubbing his cheek.

' Stella! Stella, I'm in deep shit here! How the hell do they know about Draco?!' Harry thought, nervously.

' Calm down Harry I really don't think they're talking about Draco.' Stella said.

' No, they aren't. They're talking about that article in the H.P Snitch.' Blanche piped in.

' What are you talking about Blanche?'

' I'll explain later. Just remain calm. Find your happy place.' she said.

' Find my happy place, find my happy place.' Harry thought hurriedly.

" Harry, Harry are you alright?" Seamus and Ron both said.

" Umm...yeah I'm fine. Just got a little dizzy. So um...where did everyone get the insane idea that I'm attracted to blondes?" Harry asked, trying not to look nervous.

" Dunno." Seamus said. " But that's why all the girls dyed their hair."

" Girls are so weird." said Ron. " It's like...like...like they're different from us or something..."

Seamus and Harry exchanged a small glance. Then burst out laughing.

" Ron you kill me." Harry laughed. A silence passed. " You know what? i'm bored, I think I'll go to the library." Harry said, and started to get up.

" I'll go with you Harry, I have homework to work on."

Harry sighed. He really didn't want to go with Seamus. " You know what? I'm actually kind of hungry, I had a small lunch. I think I'll go to the kitchens to get some snacks." Harry said.

" You know what? I'm starved. I think I'll go with you." said Seamus.

" Actually, I'm putting on some weight I need exercise instead of food. I think I'll go for a walk." Harry said.

" Me too. I'm getting to be a fat ass I need a walk. I'll come with you, Harry."

" Seamus, why is it you're so eager to go anywhere i do?" Harry asked, suspiciously.

" What are you talking about Harry? We...We are just so much alike." Seamus replied innocently.

" Whatever Seamus. I'm going for a walk. Alone."

" Are you sure I can't just-"

"NO." and with that, Harry set off for a walk along a few corridors.

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Hermione was crushed. More than crushed. Harry had called her a whore. " A whore for Merlin's sake!" she whispered.

She was in her favorite nook in the library, books piled around her, but she couldn't even tell you the titles she was so distressed. She had already ruined some of her notes with the tear smudges on the parchment. She had started over five times already.

She had liked Harry so much. She thought that he'd still had feelings for her. But she guessed she was wrong. " Maybe he doesn't like me that way." she said.

" But why? I'm a good lover, I'm a damn good lover, why the hell doesn't he like me?" Hermione said to herself.

She heard a click of high heels coming up behind her. " Ms. Granger, is everything alright?" Madame Pince asked.

" Y-y-y-yes. E-everythings, everythings-, " she started, it was hopeless. " Everything's horrible!" she said bursting into another fit of tears.

Pince wasn't sure what to do. Her most favored student of all time, had turned into a pile of mush at her footsteps. She gave Hermione a feeble hug. " There, there, Hermione. Everything will be alright. I'm sure whatever it is, we can fix it. Now tell ol' Pincemeister whats wrong."

" I'm sure you can't help me with this Madame Pince, this is a problem of love."

" Oh I see."

" Do you think me totally trivial for crying like a baby in my seventh year over a schoolgirl crush?"

" No, Ms. Granger, there comes a time in every woman's life where she must cry over her heartaches. Its how we learn. You are right though, this is the one thing that cannot be helped. If the person you love doesn't love you back, you either have to spend your entire life trying to earn their affections, or you move on and find someone else.Of course, you could always stalk him, and hope he panics, and gives in..." Pince trailed off smiling.

"Do you think that would work?" Hermione asked, looking up at her.

Madame Pince sighed "Sometimes, but it's not the way to go Hermione, you'e better than that." she said sympathetically.

" I know, Madame Pince, I know."

" Chin up." Pince said, as she patted Hermione on the head and walked back to her desk at the other end of the library.

Hermione sighed. " Cry, or read. Cry or read. Cry or read." Hermione weighted her choices.

" Cry." she finally decided.

And with that, she burst into another fit of tears.

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" Oh please, Blaise, you were ogling Harry like a horny schoolgirl! Tell the truth!"

" Ok...maybe I still find Potter...attractive. But can you blame me? Please don't be mad at me Draco, please..." Blaise trailed off.

Draco sighed. " I can't be mad at you Blaise, Harry is the hottest thing that ever touched this earth. But I also won't condone you ogling him every chance you get. Do you have to make it so blatantly obvious that you have a thing for him?"

" Well someone has to." Blaise muttered.

" Excuse me?"

" Well...I'm just saying. You've known Potter was your mate for a long time, but you've never once said anything to him."

Draco anguished a sigh. " Blaise, that was because Voldemort was around until the summer of our sixth year. I couldn't reveal that to anyone. He would use the fact that Harry's my mate against him if I had said anything!" Draco yelled.

" Yeah, but that still doesn't explain why you treated him like crap."

" Blaise. I treated him that way because

A. Voldemort has ties to my family and it would have looked VERY suspicious if I was all chummy with his worst enemy. and

B. Because I did most of that to earn his attention.

I tried being his friend on the train. That was when I first knew he was my mate, " Draco started, going off in a dreamy voice, " I knew when I saw him. And of course, I immediatley went to make friends with him. But that Weasley," said Draco, a glare in his voice, " had to go and make fun of me. I had to retaliate, and in doing so, unfortunately caused my mate to not be very happy with me. If I had known that him and Weasel were that close, I would have been more careful. After that it was just jealousy that caused me to act against Weasel and desperate attempts to get Harry's attention. Why did Weasel get to be so close to my Harry all these years, when I haven't? Its not fair." Draco sulked.

" I get it now." said Blaise.

" Finally, you get it now. Now will you stop making moves on Harry?"

" Draco I have never ' made a move ' on Harry. But I will try to stop being attracted to him."

" Good." said Draco " Because otherwise, I might have to sink my fangs into your neck and suck out all of your blood. I have the law on my side. The Ministry looks the other way when a vampire slaughters someone over their mate. I have every right to kill anyone who challenges the safety of my Harry. I would have killed Voldemort, if it weren't for that damn prophecy."

" I remember you telling me about that."

" Yes. When I went to school, Dumbledore called me to his office, for some reason, to this day I still don't know how, he knew that I was Harry's mate. He told me of the prophecy, because he knew that I would think to kill Voldemort once I knew he was back. Kinky old fool." Draco sneered.

" Well, now that all the threats are gone, why don't you go after Harry?" Blaise asked.

" I plan to. In fact, I've already made a few moves."

" Why not just go in for the kill?"

" Because you dolt, Harry has a lot of bad feelings towards me, mate or not. But, I do plan on asking him out tonight, now that you mention it."

" Are you serious!"

" Dead serious."

" Oh my gosh? Can I come!" Blaise said excitedly, then cleared his throat, " I uhh...I mean, can I come um...watch you two shag like bunnies with their heads chopped off?"

Draco raised an elegant eyebrow. " No." he said. Delightedly watching Blaise's pouting face.

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Harry was walking down a long, dark corridor, when he bumped into someone.

" Watch where you're going you inbreed! These are one of a kind Armani, Wizard's robes and I will not have- Oh...hello Harry. Didn't see you there." Draco said realizing it was Harry he had bumped into.

"Did you just call me by my first name?" Harry asked.

" Why, yes, Harry I did."

" Wow. Thats weird."

" Well, here's something even weirder. I, Draco Malfoy, am asking you, Harry Potter, out."

" Out?"

" Yes, out, as in, out on a date."

" What the fuck?" Harry said, astonished.

" A date Potter. When one wizard asks another wizard to go somewhere with them romantically, like to the movies, or out to dinner, or out for tea, or -"

" I know what a date is Malfoy, I'm just amazed that you're asking me out."

" Oh."

" Yeah, oh. Whats the catch? Are you planning to hand me over to retired Death Eaters bent on revenge?"

" No. I just want dinner. With you. Tonight. On the rooftop."

" The rooftop?"

" Yes. The rooftop. What do you say?"

" I-I...um...sure Malfoy, whatever cocks your gun." Harry muttered.

" Excellent." Draco said and strode off, leaving behing a very confused Harry Potter.

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Harry arrived below the trapdoor that led to the Hogwarts roof.

It was eight o' clock. He was wearing the best thing he knew to put on and he was very nervous for some reason.

' Why am I so nervous Stella?' he asked his mind.

' Well your dopamine censors are tingling off the edge and the oxygen molicules in your brain are not circulating enough and also the cerebral cortex and cerebellum are not functioning properly.' Stella said.

' What? ' Harry said, confused.

' She means, you're nervous because you have the hots for Draco and you want him to like you. ' Blanche piped in.

' Oh.'

' Why do you always listen to her?' Stella asked.

' Because she knows how to speak English.' Harry said.

Stella sulked.

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Draco was nervous and jittery for some reason. ' Dammit, I'm a Malfoy. Malfoy's don't get butterflies.' he thought.

' They do when they like Harry Potter.' said Hermia, his mind.

' Hermia, I'm serious, what if he hates it?'

' He won't hate it, he likes you.' a small voice piped in.

' How do you know that Helena?' Draco asked his heart.

' I'm a heart. I know these things.' Helena said, bragging.

' I just hope I don't end up jumping him before he can sit down.' Draco said.

At that precise moment, the trapdoor creaked open and a flock of raven hair came through. " Malfoy? are you here?"

It was Harry Potter.

Helena swooned, Hermia sighed and Draco gulped.

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**Well thats all I have for now.**

**I hope you all enjoyed it.**

**Hermia and Helena are Shakespeare's lovely creations from a Midsummer Night's Dreams. I'm not borrowing them, just their names, as I figured a Malfoy has to have dignified and unique names, right down to his nitty gritty, in this case, his innards. lol **

**Send complaints, comments, ideas, suggestions, questions, or flames to my email. **

**Blessed Be!**


	9. Is that your wand in your pocket?

Disclaimer: I be not Ms. Rowling. But this next scene TOTALLY should've been in one of the books.

Alright, here it is, the moment you've been waiting for,

Harry and Draco's first date!

I'm so excited!

But first, as always, my astronomical reviewers,

**Dreamsofdragons**: What can I say? There's going to be at least a _few_ chapters that aren't gut-wrenching hilarious, for alas, contrary to popular belief, I am still mortal...I

think...

**fattoad**: Great review!

**iridescentcloud**: Oooh aren't we all? I just _know_ it's going to be a blasty blast!

**Tinuviel Simbelmyne**: Ah, please, don't ever apologize, It is I, my fair reader, that am lucky to have your attention. Besides, holidays are the bomb-diggity. I'd take a million of 'em if I thought I could get away with it. And yes, they ARE all nutters, and it's only going to get more and more crazy so hold tight, and don't feel soo sorry for Ms. Granger yet, she's got lots of good stuff coming!

**Chapter Nine: Is that your wand in your pocket?**

Enjoy!

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" Yes Harry. Over here." Draco heard his voice call out. His throat seemed abnormally dry. He pointed to a spot on the floor and Harry walked over.

' Gods this is going to be fun, Herm' he said to his mind.

Hermia chuckled.

Harry walked over to where Draco was sitting and let out an audible gasp.

" Do you like it?" Draco asked.

" How-How could I not like it?" He said.

It was true. On the rooftop lay a silky red blanket, with a wicker basket in the middle. Food and utensils were laid out everywhere, and soft candlelight made the food look more delicious. There were twin pillows sitting across from each other and they were comfy looking too, add that to the star studded sky, a full moon, and Draco Malfoy's hot sexy body, and you had one hell of a good night.

Harry sat down. " I can't believe you did all of this Malfoy."

"Draco." Draco said. " We are friends now, we should at least use first names." he pointed out.

Harry hesitated. " Alright then. You overdid yourself, Draco." Harry said.

Draco laughed. " No, it was easy to put together. I didn't even make the food."

Harry was gazing at Draco. He looked very nice. ' Except for that jacket, that's gotta go.' Harry thought.

" It's a little warm up here." Draco said, taking off his robe. " I guess that's reasonable seeing how it is late summer."

Harry got increasingly excited when Draco shed his robe.

" Yeah we should have another picnic." Harry said not paying any attention to what Draco said at all.

Draco raised a brow. " But this one just started."

" Yeah I know, but I'm just having so much fun." Harry replied, enthusiastically.

" You haven't even touched the food."

" Yeah well, I'm a slow eater."

" No you're not, I watch you eat all the time."

" You watch me eat? Oh well I-I'm just side tracked. Voldemort's gotten me all twisted up and stuff." Harry gushed nervously.

" Voldemort's dead. He's been dead for a long time." Draco started to smirk.

" Yeah well you keep bloody ruining any excuse I come up with!" Harry almost yelled.

Draco laughed. Harry blushed.

" I mean...I was...I...oh forget it." Harry sighed and dug into the food.

" It's really hot up here." Draco took off his jacket.

' Bingo! Score one for the Harrymeister! ' Harry thought yelled.

' Go Harry, its your birthday, shake yo booty now, hey, hey! Blanche chorused.

Stella rolled her eyes.

Draco laughed again at the expression on Harry's face. It was of complete awe. He knew Harry was ogling him. He had specifically chosen his dark green shirt that clung like a second skin for this occasion. It showed his entire torso, leaving little for Harry to guess. He almost gasped aloud when he saw Harry getting a hard-on. Harry was completely oblivious from this fact. Draco laughed.

" Hey Potter, is that your wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Draco asked.

Harry looked down. He turned beet red. " I-I-I uh..I..uh...er.." he stuttered.

Draco laughed. " No need to feel bad Potter. I know I'm sexy."

Harry blushed more.

" Just forget about it. I want to get to know you."

Harry, eager to change the conversation started. " Well, I was left on my aunt and uncle's doorstep when I was a baby. They kept me in a cupboard until I was eleven, all the time beating me and whipping me and making me clean their house. I then found out I was a wizard and Hagrid came to rescue me and then I went to Diagon Alley and then I went to Hogwarts. After that the rest is pretty much history."

" Merlin." Draco breathed.

A silence passed. " So.." Harry started. " Tell me about you."

Draco gulped. This was it. He had sworn to himself that this was when he was going to tell Harry that he was his mate.

" Well , I grew up in the Manor I knew I was a wizard from birth. My mother is crazy and dyslexic, my father once had sex with Voldemort, I come from a long line of Malfoy's , all of whicharevampiresandguesswhat?you'remymate! And then I went to Hogwarts and got sorted into Slytherin, and then-"

" Wait. Hold up. What was that?" Harry asked.

" I come from a long line of vampires. I am a vampire. And you- you are my mate..." Draco said, looking down.

Harry blinked.

' Crap.' Harry said to both females in his body.

' Harry, this isn't crap this is a wonderful thing!' Blanche said.

' For once, short shit is right, this isn't bad.' Stella piped up.

' But, I'm his mate! I know what mates are! I am in care of magical creatures! This is Crap! A whole lot of crap.'

' No, it's not. Listen to your heart. You like Draco. You want to be with Draco. Now be with him. Mate or not.' Blanche scolded.

" Oh." Harry said intelligently, looking at Draco's worried face. " This is...sudden..." he said.

" Not really. I've known since first year."

" Then how come you didn't say anything!" Harry barked, angry.

" Voldemort."

" Oh." There was a long pause. Neither wizard knowing what to say. Draco spoke up.

" Harry, listen. I know you probably have mixed feelings now, but could we just like, start out dating and stuff? No real commitment, just a few dates to see how we fit together? If you don't like me I can understand, just please give me a chance. I promise I'll make up for everything I've done in the past."

Harry looked straight into Draco's eyes, he could see his eagerness, worry, and...fear. Draco Malfoy was afraid. Afraid of being rejected. Harry sighed.

" Sure." he said, giving Draco a half-smile.

" Great. Let's continue our date. And forget about what I said."

" Ok."

" Ok."

Silence.

" What's your favorite thing to do?" Harry asked.

" Hmm...well. I like looking at you, and then there's fantasizing about you. And then there's actually talking to you. Other than that I like school, and chess and...Dragons..." Draco trailed off.

" Oh. Well." he stared. " Do you like ' Family Guy'?"

" What the hell is Family Guy?"

" It's a tv show."

" Oh." Draco said distastefully, " A muggle thing."

" No, I mean, well, technically it is, but it's much better than what you think. Hold on. I'll be right back."

Harry ran off.

A few minutes later he came back armed with his portable DVD player and a stack of Family Guy DVD's.

He turned it on and started up an episode.

" Wow, that's, that is positively amazing!" breathed Draco.

On the tv it showed a cartoon character also watching tv. On the cartoon tv there was a painter in front of a canvas that had a farm scene already painted onto it. He picked up a paintbrush.

" Ok" the painter said, turning towards the tv audience, "and you'll need Olive green. And we are just going to paint a little bush right here and that will be our little secret."

The painter painted a bush on the cartoon canvas. Then he turned to the screen once more and glared.

" And if you tell anyone, that that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you!"

Draco burst out laughing. They continued to watch Family Guy episodes late into the evening. Harry finally turned it off.

Draco was still laughing. " And...And that baby! Oh Gods! That little bugger was hilarious! When he was like, like " Damn you vile woman!" I've never heard a baby do that before! That was great!" Draco wheezed, tears coming down his face.

" I told you Family Guy was awesome." Harry said.

" Yes but I didn't believe you."

" I need to introduce you to the internet." Harry said.

" What the hell is that?"

" Nevermind." Harry sighed. " So, tell me more about you."

" There's not much else to know."

" Well, tell me something."

" I love you." Draco blurted out then clapped a hand over his mouth. " Oh, I'm sorry Harry. I didn't mean to reveal that to you this soon. It just slipped out."

" It's ok. You don't have to pretend to slip out that you love me, I know you don't love me."

" Of course I do, you git."

" Yeah right."

" I really do!"

" Really? How much do you love me?"

Draco thought for a second, trying to figure out a way to convey his feelings truly and dramatically ala Malfoy-style. He looked straight into Harry's eyes and said " I love you so much, that if you came up to me and savagely cut open my throat, with my last, dying, gasping breath, I would apologize to you, for bleeding on your shirt." he quipped in the most sincere voice ever.

Harry blinked. " Wow, I didn't know you cared so much."

" You should see me during mating season." Draco muttered.

" What was that?"

" Oh...nothing.."

Harry raised a brow. " You know what Draco? I think I may be starting to love you too."

Draco's eyes sparkled with excitement. " Really?"

" Really."

" Wow."

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while.

" So..would it be ok if I kissed you?" Draco asked.

Harry thought for a moment. In any movie he'd seen, when two people told each other they loved each other, it was normally accompanied by a kiss. A passionate kiss. Harry's heart thudded. " Sure." he answered.

Draco leaned over and ever so slowly kissed Harry on the lips. As soon as his lips brushed Harry's, Harry felt a jolt of electricity run through his body. Draco's lips on his felt so right, more right than anything in the world. It was an odd kind of discovery, like when he found out he was a wizard, or how he found the right wand, or when he first flew. He felt like he fit, like everything was perfect, kissing Draco. And Draco tasted delicious, he soon discovered, running his tongue over his lips. Like cherry and spices. He couldn't get enough. He ran his hands through Draco's silky locks, massaging the smooth skin that made up the back of his neck and pressed him deeper into his own mouth. Draco moaned. The kiss became more heated and more heated until both parties broke away, needing air.

" Wow."

" Whoa."

" That was nice." Harry breathed.

" Yes, it was."

Draco gulped. "I think we should stop here for now." he said slowly, staring at Harry, the look in his eyes betraying his words.

Harry nodded and faked a yawn. " I'm tired." he agreed. Then a wicked idea came to him and he said nonchalantly " But I'm too lazy to go back to the dorm." he gave Draco an innocent look.

" Say no more." And with that, Draco conjured up two pallets, clearing away the picnic. They each lay took over a bed.

" I get to pick the location of our next date." Harry said, falling asleep surprisingly.

" Fine with me." Draco said, just happy there would be a next date.

And with that, the two boys fell off the world into dream land, each lost in dreams of the other...

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**Is this the first Harry/Draco **_**only**_** chapter? Methinks so. How bout that kiss, eh? Wish I had me a picture of that. Or better yet, a video!**

**(bad Authoress, bad Authoress, bad Authoress...)**

**I apologize for the shortness, corniness, fluffiness of this chapter.**

**But it had to be done.**

**And I think it was cute in an odd, brutal, never-gonna-happen kind of way.**

**Am I making sense?**

**Hope not. Otherwise we know the world has gone loopy.**

**Blessed Be!**

**P.S. The next chapter may not be for a few months, as I am on my way to college tomorrow, and it'll be a while before my student loans come through and I can get me one of these new-fangled snappy laptop things. So the next chapter may not be up for a few months. I apologize. But when I come back, I'll be sure to compensate for the time gone. Thanks for reading!**

**P.P.S. I really just wanted to write another postscript. They're just so **_**fun**_**!!**


	10. House Elves and Intimates

Alrighty. So here we go with chapter ten! It's rather short and erratic, but I'm guessing you'll like it anyways.

Because, really, do you expect anything else from me after this long?

Didn't think so.

I'ma put an update in here just cause I got it into my head that you guys actually care about my personal life: September was a horrible month for me - I lost my daddy. Well, the person I considered my daddy. He had a stroke and passed away which really kinda blew a hole in the first weeks of my new college life. Anyways, it's important to me because he was gay. My love for him kind of opened my mind when before I didn't agree with homosexuality, I now embrace it, enthusiastically lol. So he impacted my fanfic a lot. I decided that most everyone in my story was going to be gay because in real life, people are and I think sometimes when you aren't exposed to it, it can be shocking. I started out wanting to make a statement and I think I do despite the craziness of this fic (after all pretty much every character in here is) So I just thought you guys should know.

And also, despite all that, college is going pretty alright. I work two jobs and always have a buttload of homework, but I manage. And Huxley (which is what I've named my new laptop) makes it so much easier. I was going to name him after George Orwell, who I adore ten times over Aldous Huxley, but Brave New World was a bit more high-tec and futuristic-y than 1984 so I went with it.

Anyways, onward!

Heres to my larger-than-life reviewer peeps!

**fattoad:** _Hehe thanks once again, I happily accept your fanatically fantastic reviews. Seriously._

**Dreamsofdragons:** _Thanks ever so much, college is going great. So far. You were lucky lol now that I finally have a laptop I can't imagine how I was getting on without one. Thanks for your review!_

**Euge:** _Sorry but your username is just too confusing to type out lol. I am attending college at the ever so wonderful University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma. It's seriously amazing. Thanks for the review!_

**Iri: **_I'm so glad I could cheer you up. And I know exactly what you mean by depressing and happy. I'm sorry that the name change was not desired by you, honestly I've hated the names from the beginning, the only reason I had them was because I could not for the life of me think of anything else. I'm not sure how much of an upgrade the new names are on that but I find them more aesthetically pleasing. Anyways, thanks sooo much for your review, it just tickles me to hear that people actually remember things from my story - great stuff!_

_**One:**_ _It was sad. I felt so miserable while I was unable to keep updating my fic and my deviantart things. I think the wait was worth it though. Huxley (my laptop) is the most awesome thing I could've asked for...now if I could just get a car everything'll be set. I know what you mean about blowing your money, I've had to excersise some serious self-control to keep from spending it all, every dime. I'm glad September was a good month for you, it was the worst in my life for me, but that's life I spose. Thanks_

_**Nala: **__That's hilarious, the same thing happened to me lol It's nice that you asked permission but the saying is not mine to give. That particular phrase came off an episode of Sister Sister. I often put things in my fic that I get from television and other sources, I usually do try to give credit though. Thanks so much_

_**Akila:**_ _Lol I love my reviewers so far. This is a good trade._

**Nala(again): **_umm... after reading your most recent review I think there's a confusion. This is me talking and I'm replying to your review lol. Though that did give me an excellent idea for a chappie..._

**And as always special thanks to **_00 kouga's true love Restricted-Souls24 Grb Hanan Nala 6 aka-Tater Salad 9 da9877 Akila Aingeal 00 __**for adding me to their FavStory/Author Alerts**_

**Chapter Ten: House Elves and Intimates**

**Enjoy!**

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Harry awoke happy. He was comfortable and dozing next to an extremely soft and warm body which smelled like vanilla and spices. He did not want to face the faint sunlight that lit his face. All he wanted to do was relax, let the cool breeze blow through his hair, and snuggle closer to the body next to him.

Unfortunately, said body had different ideas. " Harry." Draco chanted softly. " Harry, you need to wake up. Breakfast is in an hour and I daresay you need to wake up before your dormmates, so that you don't have to give any um...explanations."

Harry's eyes fluttered open. Draco was right. " But I don't wanna." he whined.

" You're so cute when you pout like that." Draco said.

" I am not cute. I am Harry fucking Potter, savior of the wizarding world, defeater of Voldemort, and Gryffindor Golden Boy. I am a Sex God I am not cute, I am dead sexy and hot." Harry said in a childish voice.

Draco laughed. " Oh please Potter. I am Slytherin Ice Prince of Darkness, rumoured to have been in league with Voldemort, I not you, am Hogwarts Sex God , I'm damn rich and I am more sexy than anyone on the face of this planet."

Harry 'harrumphed'

Draco chuckled. "Now get up and get to your dormitory." Draco vanished the pallet and the remains of their picnic the night before.

"Draco that was just mean!"

"They don't call me Slytherin Ice Prince of Darkness for nothing." he stated.

" Well that was still mean."

" Look at this face, does this look like my caring face?"

" Thats mature"

" This comes from the guy who watches cartoons!"

" You like them too!"

"So"

"So"

" So, I'm allowed to like them, I'm not part muggle."

" I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey."

" Potter, you're nuts."

"You're right they are my nuts and I like it that way!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Go to your dorm."

"Make me."

Draco stood up and brought Harry to his feet. He put his arms around his shoulders and brought his face close to Harry's. " I can make you in ways you'll never comprehend Potter." he said, breathing across Harry's lips.

Harry shivered. Draco smiled and walked towards the exit. "I'd like it if we remained a secret for now. I'm not sure if you or I am ready to come out of the proverbial broom closet yet." And with that, he slowly stepped down the trap door on his way back to the Slytherin common room.

Harry crossed his arms and stood there for a little while longer. Then finally, knowing it was the best thing to do grabbed his things and trudged slowly back to Gryffindor house thinking all the while of ways to make a certain Slytherin blonde go crazy...

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Hermione was again, in the library looking for a certain book for her Transfiguration homework. She was about to reach for a dusty volume, when a certain hand reached to grab the same one. She pulled her hand away startled then looked at the culprit.

Pansy Parkinson stood there smiling back at her. "Um...you can have it. I've already read it, I was just going to look up a term..."

"No, no thats alright I've read it as well I was just going to look up a certain wand movement for my homework."

"What spell is it?"

"The Wisconotious spell. I can't remember if its swish, flick, prod, or swish, flick, tilt." Hermione's forehead creased in thought.

" Swish, flick, tilt." Pansy said.

" Wow thanks." said Hermione, smiling

"Are you still working on your Transfiguration essay?"

"Yes, are you?"

"Yes" said Pansy.

" Well, would you like to join me, I always say two heads are better than one." Hermione said, gesturing towards her favorite table.

"Delighted." said Pansy, sitting down across from her.

"Now the main thing I think you should remember about this spell, is that..." Hermione went on.

Pansy already knew what she was talking about anyways, she decided to spend her time staring at Hermione...

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Blaise was pouting. Again. " He won't even let me look at him!" he said, muttering to himself.

He was in the library, researching muggle diseases when he bumped into someone. " Oh..Sorry." said Seamus Finnigan, turning to leave. He turned back around. "Um, have you by any chance seen Harry Potter?" he asked innocently. Too innocently.

" No, I haven't." Blaise said and walked away from the disappointed looking Gryffindor. He was turning to go down another aisle when he spotted Pansy chatting with none other than Hermione Granger.

"Oh my gosh!" he said, ducking behind a shelf. "Pansy? Chatting with Granger? I don't believe this..."

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A knock sounded on Big M's door. "Come in." she called.

It opened and Madame Pince entered, looking excited.

"Oh, Pincey! I was just sitting down to tea. Would you like to join me?" Big M gestured to the chair next to her.

"Of course." Pince conjured a tea cup, poured herself some tea and took a sip. After a few moments of relaxed silence, she spoke up "So tonight's the big night huh? We're going to put our plan into action?"

"Yes" Big M nodded, sipping tea.

"I can't wait."

"Me either." Big M agreed.

"Did we get everything worked out? Is it all perfect?" Pince asked, an anxious expression on her face.

"Certainly. We are the cleverest witches in this school after all, the plan should go smoothly."

"I dunno about cleverest, I think Miss Granger may have us beat." Pince said proudly.

"I'm not sure but you're right, she can definitely hold her galleons to us." Big M said, also proudly.

"You know the strangest thing," Pince began, frowning, "She's been spending a lot of time in the library with that Parkinson twit lately"

"I thought they hated each other." Big M frowned.

"As did I..." Pince trailed off.

Big M shrugged "I guess people can develop the weirdest behaviors."

"Yeah, being attracted to others completely different from them. It's so odd." Pince added.

"I for one am glad that description does not fit me." Big M concluded.

"Me too." Pince added, "Me too..."

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"Damn you Potter and your damn sexiness!" The man shouted, pacing his room yet again. "Why do you have to be on my mind twenty four hours a day?"

" Is it the way you look angry, right before I take away house points? Or the way your face sneers in disgust when you look at me? Or the way your eyes glint malevolently, when you think you've just gotten away with passing notes?"

He sipped his drink. "Ahh." he sighed. "Yep, sometimes, I let you get away with things, just to see that look in your eyes. I want those eyes, looking up at me, with longing, with need, and with...love? No! Not love! Lust. Yes, I want those eyes begging for me."

'How can I get him to shag me?' the man thought, tapping his chin. ' Or better yet, how can I get him to where I'm able to shag him whether he wants me to or not?'

" I know! I'll brew a potion." he said, smiling. "Yes, a potion. And then Potter will be mine. Forever."

"Muahahahahahaha!" he laughed maniacally, his evil laughter ringing through the dungeons.

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"Damn it! This has to work!" Lucius Malfoy yelled in a rage, slamming his fist down on the table he was working at. His plans had more than a few kinks. "Why can't I get this figured out?" He said to himself.

Of course, his wife wasn't helping matters. Narcissa Malfoy was currently busy tying her undergarments to all of the house elves' heads. She was also putting up Christmas decorations, in the middle of September.

"Cissie darling, you mind telling me why you tied your underwear to all of our house elves' heads?" Lucius asked, trying to keep his voice calm. He was lucky that due to his evilness, and a certain example set by the freaking Gryffindor he was currently plotting against, he had made it to where his house elves could no longer quit, ever. Not even when presented with clothes.

" Because, dear their poor heads aren't getting enough oxygen!" Narcissa chittered at him, as if he should expect it.

"Right...well...I'm just going to go lay down in a hole and die. So if you need me, just call me on my cell, or better yet, just don't call me."

" Ok Fred, but you know what Scooby says about ghosts, they can be dangerous so don't play with fire ok? Have fun on your vacation!" Narcissa said, and with that turned around to hang up more garland on the wall.

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Neville was depressed.

Ron was depressed.

Neville and Ron were both depressed.

Neville said to Ron "You want a soda?"

Ron said to Neville " No way."

Neville gulped down a diet Dr.Pepper and sighed. " Life sucks."

"Tell me about it." said Ron.

Just then, Colin Creevery came up and handed them each a lime green flyer.

"Whats this?" Ron asked.

"It's a thing." said Neville.

"Join our group" said Colin and rushed off.

"I'm joining." said Neville.

"I'm not." said Ron.

Neville is still depressed.

Ron is still depressed.

Neville and Ron are still depressed.

But Neville's in the Harry Potter Support Group!

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**Was that lame?**

**Was it pointless?**

**More importantly, do I care?**

**Probably not. But you're free to tell me how you feel anyways. Reviews are much appreciated. And flames keep me on my toes. So you know what to do.**

**Chapter Eleven should be up in a day or two. **

**Blessed Be!**

**TOMMY DALE GRACE**

September 12th, 2008

_they can't hold a candle to you, daddy, not one of em._


	11. Secrets

Sorry this took me so long to put up here – I took a drawn out Fall Break. Made sure to get lots of R&R because I'll be damn lucky if I get to have a Thanksgiving break.

Anyways, my apologies for the wait. This chapter is all about preparation and…discoveries (evil laughter)

But first, the lovely reviewers (have you noticed I've started nicknaming you all?) (it's habit) (get used to it)

**Euge**: _It's nice to know that people care; really nice in fact. I'm glad you liked the chapter, and yes I do make Snape sorta silly in this fic. I'm not sure why because truth be told, Snape's my number one favorite character and my view of him is COMPLETELY different from how I portray him. Maybe one day I'll compose a serious fic of how I really see him because really, he's worthy of so much praise…sigh_

**Smoke:** _Ahem, how could you NOT love me? After all I am amazing, abundantly talented, fantastically good-looking, superbly intelligent, astoundingly charismatic, need I go on? Yay for crack! To the next chapter indeed!_

**Toad:** _Thanks very much. Hugs are returned_.

**Anne:** _Thanks a bunch, the Snape drabble was all mine but I can't take credit for Harry's lasso bit. That's a piece from an episode of Sister Sister (who I think make better camera fodder than the Olsens anyday) I just nicked it because when I watched it, I could totally see Harry doing that. Heh. _

**Of course special thanks go to** 00 _XxSmokexSignalsxX Leannamiko Anne399 SpunkleMcKats(__ß__one of the greatest usernames I've ever had the pleasure of reading__J__)_ 00 **for adding me to Alerts/Favs. It is very much appreciated. **

**Chapter Eleven: Secrets**

**Enjoy!**

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Harry said the password to the Fat Lady who was currently doing sit ups, apparently still trying to lose weight. "You should try Weight Watchers." he said as the portrait swung open. He could have sworn he heard her say "Meddling teenagers." under her breath but he wasn't sure.

Silently, he eased open the door the seventh year boy's dormitory and sighed with relief that everyone was still asleep. He lay down on his bed to doze for a few minutes until his doormmates roused.

"Harry Potter if you think for one second you are going to pretend like you haven't been out all night, you are sadly, sadly mistaken." he heard Seamus's voice ringing in his ears.

"Explain yourself now Potter." he said, standing over him and crossing his arms.

"I-I-I" Harry started.

'Shit! What do I say Blanche?!' he thought frantically.

'Well you obviously can't tell him the truth.' Stella answered him.

'Shout to the world that you're in love with Draco!' piped up Blanche.

'Well, I'm definitely not going to do that.' Harry said anxiously.

'Why not? It's the truth.'

Stella sighed. 'You hearts are so young and naive.'

'Hey, I just say what I feel.' Blanche retorted.

'Yes, well feelings get in the way and can get you in trouble.'

'Guys you aren't helping me any!' Harry thought hurriedly.

'Hmm. Tell him that you were in an abandoned classroom studying for your N.E.W.T.S all night. You wanted to get an early start.' Stella said.

'Or you could tell him you were snogging Draco's brains out.' Blanche offered.

'No!' shouted both Harry and Stella at the same time.

"I was studying. In an abandoned classroom all night." Harry said, not meeting Seamus's eyes.

"Studying for what?"

"Well, NEWTS are this year and I thought I'd get an early start..." Harry trailed off.

"Early my ass, you're up to something Potter."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Oi! What's all the ruckus? I'm trying to sleep!" Ron shouted.

"Yeah bugger off and have your arguments somewhere else." Dean mumbled.

"What's all this about?" asked Neville.

" 'Arry here," began Seamus, laying a hand on Harry's shoulder, " 'As got himself a secret."

"I do not."

"He does? Ooh goody! I love to hear a good secret." said Dean, sitting up in his bed and clasping his hands together.

"Me too." said Neville.

"Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," said Ron, sitting up as well. Now, out with this secret Harry." he said.

"Yes. Do tell." said Dean.

"I told Seamus already. There's no secret I just want to do good on my NEWTS this year so I started studying. I was in an abandoned classroom studying all night. I fell asleep. That's it."

"Sure it is." said Seamus suspiciously.

"Oh well who cares if he was studying?" said Ron and rolled back over.

"Why study so early Harry?" Dean asked.

"Because, I didn't do very well at all on my OWLS in fifth year." said Harry.

"Oh. Good point. I should probably start studying too."

"Me too." said Neville.

"I don't care what you say Harry Potter, I have my eye on you." said Seamus his eyes bulging in Harry's face.

Harry gulped. He wondered how long his secret would stay a secret with Seamus's eyes watching him...

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Hermione was walking away from the library feeling content and oddly excited. She had just had a rather unusual, yet very delightful meeting with Pansy Parkinson of all people. As it turned out, Pansy wasn't as daft as Hermione always assumed she was. "Why, she could almost give me a run for my galleons." she said aloud. She considered that.

"Nah." she said finally, shaking her head. "She's not that smart. But she is pretty clever, I'll give her that."

Along her way down the corridor she passed a mirror and stopped to look at her blonde locks. "I think they look nice." she said, switching view points in the mirror. "Why doesn't Harry think they look nice?" she wondered.

"Really, why doesn't he think they look nice? I mean, I'm bloody gorgeous, and I thought Harry and I had been so close...But wait. Harry has been close with lots of other girls as well, but none of them have lasted more than a few weeks. I wonder why that is? I mean, one of us had to have been at least worth more time than that..." Hermione trailed off, still staring at herself in the mirror.

Just then her trance was interrupted by two Hufflepuff boys coming down the hallway attached at the lips. They spotted Hermione and immediately blushed and ran away. "Gods, even the first years are tainted at this school..." she trailed off, returning her gaze to the mirror.

"Wait a minute..." she thought, whipping back around to where the two boys had been. " Wait a minute!" Her eyes lit up and a smile spread across her lips. "Maybe it wasn't me after all! Maybe I didn't do anything to screw up our relationship! Maybe Harry isn't attracted to me because he's not attracted to _girls _in general?" She bounced around wildly, excited that she may have come to a solution to a problem.

"This needs investigating." she said, and took off at full speed back towards the library...

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"Ginny are you sure this will work?" Lavender asked, as they filled duffle bags with the items they were using for their plan.

"Of course it will work. We look bloody fantastic!" she screeched.

"Yeah, we do look fantastic." Lavender agreed.

"Yes and our plan will work." Ginny affirmed, smiling broadly.

"I hope so. We strike tonight right?"

"Of course. Harry won't know what's hit him. Now, we should probably go over the plan one more time, just to make sure we have everything prepared."

"Of course." Lavender replied.

The girls poured over the parchment they had written out. It was the final draft of their 'big plan' to get in Harry Potter's pants. Satisfied that there were no more hitches to work through, they declared it perfect and high-fived each other.

"Well then, we'd better get to it, seeing how tonight's the big debue." Ginny said, gathering her books and getting ready for classes.

'I hope I make it through this big 'debue' without screwing myself over.' thought Lavender as she joined Ginny in preparing for classes.

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Blaise was slightly miffed at Draco, ok more than slightly miffed, really miffed. Blaise had had the biggest crush on Harry Potter and finding out that he was Draco's mate, was a real ball twister. Who was he supposed to date and fantasize about now?

But the thing is, now that Draco had taken Harry, he had put rules on him. Blaise was not even given the 'look but don't touch' rule , no, it was the 'don't even so much as think about looking or else you will get a sex change!' It was very depressing...

Blaise sighed. He was sitting in the library, trying to study; well actually he was sulking more or less. He had taken a booth far away from the non-ending chatter of Hermione Granger and Pansy, and was sitting, staring off into space, day dreaming of ways to get away with looking at Harry.

He still could not believe that he had seen Pansy and Hermione together, they had always seemed to loathe each other very much so and now they were acting like study buddies. It made him want to puke.

'Maybe I'll find a different boyfriend.' he thought miserably staring out the window. He didn't notice when Draco sat down across from him, looking very pleased. He did notice, however, when one fiery vampire got tired of being ignored and chunked a book at his head, bashing him on his left ear.

"Draco!" Blaise yelled, "That hurt!" Immediately he put a clamp on his mouth at Madame Pince's disapproving glare.

"Well, it's not my fault I was being ignored." Draco said, a grin still in place.

Blaise groaned and rubbed his ear, he really wasn't very happy with Draco at the moment. " So what's new?"

"Nothing, except the fact that I wildly made out with a certain raven haired Gryffindor on the rooftop last night and now said Gryffindor and I are dating." Draco smirked.

" No shit!"

"No shit." said Draco, still smirking.

"Wow I'm impressed Draco, really impressed." Blaise said in a depressing tone.

Draco sighed. "Blaise I can't help the situation, you should move on and find someone else."

"There is no one else."

" Yes, there is. I'll even find him for you!" said Draco his eyes brightening. "Yes, that's perfect! I can set you up with loads of people and see the way you match with everyone! It'll be like, like, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, only...only you're not straight..." Draco trailed off.

"What the hell is wrong with you Malfoys?" he asked. " Your mom's a nutter, Your dad shagged Voldemort, You're in love with Harry Potter, and you're all vampires."

" I know, we are _such_ a great family." said Draco in awe, his eyes glistening.

Blaise threw up in his mouth a little.

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Neville slowly looked around the dormitory. Everyone was gone. He was all alone in this big empty dormitory with no one to see what he was doing. He grinned wildly.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he opened his trunk and pulled out a little black box. He carefully undid the lock and then slowly lifted the lid.

He took out its contents and began to mess with them; he was growing more and more joyful by the second. Just when he was at his peak, someone burst into the dormitory.

" And then I told him that- Neville? What are you doing?"

It was true. Neville was sitting on his bed, a Malibu beach Barbie doll in one hand and a Ken doll in the other , it was clear he had been playing spring break in Cancun with them. "Guys you interrupted Michael when he was fixing to ask Jodie to the Springtime Flash Back Dance!" cried Neville, offended and exasperated.

"Umm...we are going to leave now." said Dean and him and Ron disappeared out the door, backing up slowly.

"No privacy whatsoever." he told his Barbies and then continued happily playing with them until dinner.

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"Alright. This potion is almost complete. Yes...Tonight is the night. Potter will be mine." The man said as he concocted his potion in a humongous cauldron.

"Just you wait Potter...Just you wait..." he trailed off.

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"Cissie for the last time I do NOT know where your dyslexic teddy bear is!" Lucius roared at his wife.

"Alright honey, if your sure that you haven't seen Nathan anywhere, I'll have your word for it. " Narcissa blinked rapidly then smiled. "Hello, and your name is?" she said to her husband. "Welcome to my home its lovely to have you for tea. Lucius is in the garden, picking daisies, he'll be in shortly."

" Dear, I am Lucius."

" Oh, I'm sorry Luci I was talking to Nathan."

"Nathan is nowhere to be found." Lucius said through clenched teeth "And please do not call me by that grotesque name."

" Now, Luci, you know how insecure Nathan is about the fact that he is dyslexic. Apologize to him right now!"

" Number one, Nathan is lost, Number two it'll be a cold day in hell when Lucius Malfoy apologizes to a teddy bear."

Narcissa gasped. "Oh that is it. Up to your room now mister! You are grounded until this evening. "

Lucius's eyes bulged, but begrudgingly he traipsed up the stairs swearing.

"And don't you come down until you think about what you've done little Miss Priss." Narcissa said haughtily, then resumed her humming and cleaning invisible objects.

Lucius sighed and sat down on his bed. He could hear Narcissa greeting invisible house guests downstairs.

" I will wreak my havoc upon you tonight Potter." he said,

………."After I stop being grounded." he added, rolling his eyes.

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Seamus was a little miffed.

Harry had deliberately avoided him on purpose. He was searching all over for the castle for the Gryffindor when he ran across a rather unusual sight. Luna Lovegood and Cho Chang were making out in an abandoned classroom. They obviously thought the door was closed, but it had sprung open and they hadn't noticed. Seamus rubbed his hands together excitedly "Might as well see some action today." he said and put his face to the crack to get a better view. The girls were groping each other wildly and Seamus was sure that he was about to see some skin when they broke apart.

He watched, ears straining to hear, as Cho clapped excitedly.

"There Luna, almost perfect that time!" said Cho.

"You think we're ready for tonight?" asked Luna.

"Definitely." she replied.

Tonight was the night their plans to get Harry Potter fell into action.

Seamus was not satisfied.

"Aww come on girls! Don't be like that!" he said, charging into the room.

Cho and Luna gasped. They stood in shocked silence.

"Well, what are you standing there, staring at me for? You are the ones who left the door open!"

"Seamus Finnegan, you little asshole!" Cho screamed and launched herself at him. Between her and Luna he quickly found himself, wandless, horny, and tied to a hard wooden chair that was rubbing him in all the wrong places.

"Now, Luna, " Cho began, in a silky voice " Lets teach this boy the importance of privacy." she said and all that could be heard afterwards were Luna and Cho's giggles and Seamus's screams of protest.

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Well, well, well, it seems everyone's plans are being put into action...on the same night!

This should prove to make up one interesting scenario.

Til then.

Blessed Be!


	12. Plans Failed

**First off**, allow me to apologize for how long it has taken me to upload this. I realize that it has been about a year and a half since I last updated. There is no excuse for this, and so I will make none. I understand that I have probably lost several reviewers in the process and for that I am eternally remorseful. All I can say is that I plan on doing better this time and hope that if you're reading this, you can forgive me this most grievous error, or at least, if you cannot, you don't allow your feelings to keep you from reading this fic. Again I am sorry reviewers, so very sorry.

To those of you who reviewed last chapter, these replies are achingly long overdue:

**Nala:** _Plans are marvelous things, I'm glad you can identify with Narcissa – she's only going to get more and more important._

**EllyattheDisco:** _The last thing I would be thinking of is computers as well. Must be that Malfoy superiority taking effect._

**Toad:** _Glad you like your nickname. I hope I still get the chance to use it in the future. Neville and Snape disturb me as well._

**VesperAgain:** _Sorry I let you down about the updating soon. Glad that you like my story, I hope you continue to like it._

**Thanks abound also to** 00 _EllyattheDisco, CutiePie456, S.A.A.K., VesperAgain, blowinginthewind_ 00 **for adding Me/My story to their Favorites/Alerts. I do not deserve it. **

And numerous thanks to those of you who read but didn't review. I don't deserve you either.

**Chapter Twelve: Plans Failed**

Enjoy!

Harry Potter was having a boring day. A weird and boring day. He had just went through double Potions where Snape had sneered and taken away more house points than ever from him, then he went through Divination where Lavendar kept staring at him like no other. Then he had went through Charms where Cho Chang and Luna Lovegood kept sneaking odd glances at him , and to top it all off, he hadn't seen Draco once that day!

He was now sitting at dinner, interrogating his mashed potatoes.

" And why did you think it was okay to have an affair with the peas, while the carrots are on the other side of the plate watching?" he said accusingly to his dinner.

Hermione and Ron where exchanging the same, uneasy look, neither sure of what to do.

" I don't care if the peas are green! Thats no excuse! Did you even think about the consequences of your actions?!" Harry screeched at his plate.

"Umm...Harry?" started Ron.

"Don't back sass me! " Harry glared at the pile of mashed potatoes on his plate. All of a sudden he gasped.

"Why you insolent little bastard! I'll show you!" and with that he began savagely hammering into the potatoes, slinging them everywhere, pounding them down to nothing with his fork. When barely a smudge remained of them he smiled and said. "There. That will teach you to mess with me."

He finally looked up. The whole Gryffindor table and half the Hufflepuff table where shooting curious glances at him. "Er..." Harry stammered.

"Harry, do you want to tell us whats wrong?" Hermione asked, a very concerned look on her face. Was Harry losing it?

Harry sighed. "No thanks, I'll just go up to my dormitory. "I'll deal with you later." he sneered at the peas on his plate and left the table to trapse up to Gryffindor Tower.

"Blaise. Blaise!" Draco panted, catching up with Blaise in the fifth floor corridor.

"Draco, where have you been all day? I've been looking everywhere for you!" Blaise said.

"Oh Blaise, I've had the most wonderful idea and I've been putting it into action. You see, I want to take Harry on an all night date like last night, but I think the settings needed to be a little more comfortable. So I came up with a plan, and I've just got to show you!" he said, grabbing Blaise by the shoulder and shoving him into another direction.

"You skipped classes all day to prepare a date for Harry?"

"Yep."

"Man, you've got it baaaaad." he said, smirking.

" Shut up Blaise." Draco said, cuffing him lightly. He grabbed the sleeve of his robe and led him to a small portrait hanging on the wall at the very end of the fifth floor corridor. The portrait consisted of a Hogwart's crest on a green and gold background. He whispered something and then out of nowhere, a brick in the wall slid out of place. It was a very long brick and didn't disconnect from the wall, but slid out about two feet and Draco stepped on to it. "Follow." he said and dove into the painting.

Blaise was left standing , staring at the portrait. Looking around wildy making sure no one was around to see, he said "Blue skadoo, we can too!" and jumped into the portrait.

"About time." Draco said and pulled a lever under the backside of the portrait, no doubt sliding the brick back into place.

"Wow Draco, this is awesome." Blaise breathed.

"I know. It took forever to bloody prepare it - Potter better love it."

"I'm jealous now."

"You should be."

"You're such a git."

"I know."

Blaise rolled his eyes and then said "I have to get to class."

"Well I have to put the finishing touches on my date."

"Fine. " Blaise started. "Err...how do I leave?" He looked at the wall uncertainly.

"Oh yeah. Almost forgot." Draco pulled a different lever under the back of the portrait. "There, just slide out feet first."

Blaise climbed up on the long, cushy panel he had slid in on and pushed his legs out of the portrait, a little nervously, but he felt support beneath them and pushed the rest of his body down. There was a slide under the portrait and Blaise slid down back onto the stone floor outside with a slight "Wee." and whispered the spell Draco had told him to close it back up. He watched the slide pop back in to place thinking ' Potter's going to have the time of his life in there.'

"Ok. We are finally ready." Ginny pronounced. It was almost midnight and the girls were putting the final preparations into their plan.

"Let's go." Ginny said, and opened the door to the empty classroom they had used as their dressing room and walked out into the silent corridor.

"Lock and load baby." Ginny whispered excitedly, preparing for the night of her life.

Cho and Luna were finishing up their plans as well. They both looked gorgeous and were primping in the mirror of the Ravenclaw bathroom. "I can't believe that Finnegan guy is such a creep." Luna remarked, glossing her lips.

"Yeah, but he's definitely getting what he deserved. You did a great job with that charm." Cho told her approvingly."

Luna blinked her eyes at her. "Thank you."

"Ok Lovegood, lets go." Cho said taking her hand and dragging her out of Ravenclaw tower.

They silently made their way through the exit and tred through the sleeping castle.

Luna was nervous and excited. She was going to lose her virginity!

The man put a cap on the vial of his potion. Now all he had to do was sneak into Gryffindor Tower, drag Harry Potter out of bed, force feed him the potion, stuff him in an empty classroom and have his wicked way with him.

The man chuckled softly, applying make-up to his face and slicking back his greasy hair. He wrapped a bright pink feather boa around his neck, the feathers tickling his nose.

"Potter, you'd better be ready for tonight." He sneered at the mirror, before turning on his heel and exiting the room.

"Get ready to roll Big M, tonight's the night!" Pincey shouted, entering Big M's office without knocking.

"I'm almost ready Pincey. Just got to get these stockings to cooperate." Big M told her, coming out from her rooms.

"Here, I'll help." Pincey offered, waving her wand.

Big M looked down at her now perfectly stocking-ed legs. "Thanks Pince. Don't know why I didn't think of that, I guess this escapade has got me all kinds of turned around. Are you sure we should be going through with this?"

Pincey sighed. "Yes, I'm sure. It will be fine M, I promise. More than fine, actually. I have a feeling it'll be bloody fantastic." Pincey said with a giggle.

Big M echoed her smile. "Alright." She said. "Let's do this."

And with that, the two women linked arms and set off out the door.

Lucius opened the door to his bedroom slowly, cursing the soft creaking noise it made. "Ebert?" he called quietly, almost jumping when the house elf appeared with a loud 'pop' in front of him. He was wearing a bright blue thong on his head, the lacy frills on it looking almost like hair. "The others are gone aren't they?" Lucius asked, knowing what the answer would be.

"Sorry sir. She gave them clothes." Ebert replied solemnly.

Lucius was forever having to find new house elves due to Narcissa's antics. Ebert was the only house elf who refused to leave, no matter how many clothes were thrust at him. Or on him, as was usually the case. Lucius walked into the hall and plucked the thong off Ebert's head. "I need you to hire some more as soon as possible."

"Yes sir."

"But first, I need your help sneaking out. Do you know where the mistress is?"

"She's asleep sir. Out in the garden."

Lucius breathed a sigh of relief. If the woman caught him sneaking out, he'd never hear the end of it. "Ok Ebert. I am going out. If the mistress should awaken, I need you to distract her for me. She mustn't realize that I have gone."

"Understood sir." Ebert replied. He was used to the routine.

"If I don't come back…" Lucius trailed off, thinking it unlikely that the Potter boy would destroy him. ' Well he did manage to kill my Voldie' he thought to himself.

Ebert was still looking at him expectantly.

"If I don't come back, give all my stuff to the boy. And make sure the mistress is taken care of." Lucius said sternly. He didn't love Narcissa, but he still cared about her more than he willingly admitted.

"I will sir." Ebert replied sincerely before disappearing.

' I don't envy the bloke the elf finds to take care of Cissie.' He thought as he made his way to the first floor of the manor. They were both vampires, but they were not mates. Lucius's mate had been a young boy he met before he ever left for Hogwarts. When Serpiro, Lucius's father had found out, he'd had the boy killed, assuming that Lucius would easily find another mate. He hadn't. When he came of age that every Malfoy is expected to get married, his father had set him up with Narcissa. Even knowing she was crazy, he reasoned that she was a pureblood vampire as well, and she was also stunningly gorgeous, therefore she'd produce a good heir or two. Lucius hated his father, but it was hard to truly hate Narcissa. He knew, because he'd tried.

'Maybe I could do it if she wasn't so damn insane.' Was his thought as he exited the manor, en route to Hogwarts.

Ginny and Lavendar entered the common room just in time to catch Cho Chang and Luna Lovegood enter through the portrait hole.

Ginny strode up to them. "What are you two doing in the Gryffindor common room?"

Luna looked shocked, but Cho just smiled. "That's really none of your business."

"Oh it isn't?" Ginny pretended to take a look around her. "Well, this looks like my common room, so I guess you could say it looks like it IS my business Chang."

"I don't have to answer to you Weasley."

"Oh I believe you do. In fact-" Ginny was interrupted by the portrait hole opening to admit another person. "Wood? What were you doing out so late?"

Oliver Wood's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. "I was – er….practicing. Out on the pitch."

"In the middle of the night?" Luna asked him.

"Got to train sometime!" he said brutishly.

Ginny raised an eyebrow at him.

Oliver looked around. "What are you Ravenclaws doing here?"

Cho looked at Luna in worry. "We…er…we were just…"

Just then, the portrait hole opened again to let Madame Pince and Professor McGonagol inside. The two women stopped short upon seeing the gathering before them. "What is the meaning of all this?" Big M demanded. The girls and Oliver looked at each other guiltily. Before they could answer, the portrait opened to admit a streak of blonde hair into the common room. Lucius froze when he realized he had an audience. He smiled worriedly. "Hello."

Big M frowned at him. "Mr. Malfoy, what –" she started to say but just then, the portrait swung open again, and a groan followed the body that began crawling through. When Seamus realized the common room wasn't empty like he'd assumed, he started shrieking "Help me! They, they tortured me…"

Big M and Pincey rushed forward to help the Gryffindor to his feet. "Mr. Finnegan, what's happened to you?" Big M cried.

"Girls…" he trailed off, looking around the room. When he spotted Cho and Luna, he screamed. "Those girls! Gods, what are they doing here?!"

"We were just about to ask them the same thing." Big M said, looking around the room with her hands on her hips. All of a sudden, they heard footsteps coming from the boys' dormitory stairs. Neville appeared in the common room, looking bleary eyed. "What are you lot doing down here?"

Before anyone could answer him, the portrait opened and a dark man wearing a bright pink boa appeared.

"Professor Snape?" Lavendar said in disbelief.

"Why are you here Professor Snape?" Big M asked him, confused.

"I – I…the better question Minerva," he sneered, "is why are you all here?"

"I think it's about time we got some answers." Big M stared at the crowd. "You first Weasley."

Ginny looked at Lavendar. "We…uh…we came to shag Harry."

Big M looked surprised. "Oh..well…ok, why are you here Ms. Lovegood? Ms. Chang?"

Luna and Cho looked guilty. "We also came here to shag Harry."

"Mr. Wood?" Big M continued uneasily.

"I..ok…I came to shag Harry."

"Professor Snape? Why are you in the Gryffindor Common Room?"

"I came to…tell Mr. Potter that he has detention with me." He told her angrily, not looking her in the eye.

"I see…" Big M trailed off, not sure what to say.

"Hey that's mine!" Neville suddenly shouted, pointing at Snape's boa.

"Don't be ridiculous Mr. Longbottom, ten points from Gryffindor for your poor eyesight." He snarled as he strode off out of the common room.

"Why are you here Mr. Malfoy?" Big M suddenly turned towards Lucius.

"Oh! I er..I came to ki- shag…the Potter brat. I guess." He said sheepishly.

"And what about you Mr. Finnegan?" She turned to Seamus.

"I live here, but I'm up for shagging Harry any day. Let's get this train rolling!" he said excitedly.

"You're all ridiculous." Neville told them, irritated. "Harry isn't even here. He's off studying all night for his N.E.W.T.S again."

Pincey let out a sob and Big M frowned sadly. "I see. Well there's no reason for any of you to be up at this hour. Ms. Weasley, Ms. Brown, Mr. Wood, Mr. Finegan, go back to your dorms. Mr. Malfoy I suggest you go home, and we will all pretend this never happened."

A tear actually streaked down Lucius's face. "This can't be happening!" he wailed as he exited the common room.

Neville watched as everyone cleared out, before going back up the stairs to his dorm, shaking his head. It seemed everyone he knew was completely bonkers.

Like I said, I'm terribly sorry for taking so long. I know it is inexcusable. I know it's hard to trust my word, but I will post Chapter Thirteen soon.

_Blessed Be._

* * *

**Harry:** _You know, this self-loathing thing is going to get really old really fast_.

**Authoress:** _Wonderful. You guys choose now to rear your ugly heads._

**Draco:** _Who are you calling ugly?_

**Authoress:** (sigh) _No one…._

**Draco:** _Oh, this is just sad!_

**Harry:** _Poor Authoress…_

**Draco:** _Why do you care what these plebians think anyways?_

**Authoress**: _They aren't plebians, they're reviewers and they're very important to a fanfiction._

**Draco:** _Seems like you'd be better off without them._

**Authoress:** (sobs and runs off.)

………………….

**Harry:** _Good going Draco_.

**Draco:** _What did I say?_


	13. So is Spaghetti

**Disclaimer:** Do I really have to keep disclaiming that I'm not J.K. Rowling every few chapters? I don't own these characters (well…except for the ones I may eventually make up). With this world and characters I make no profit, have no rights, derive no sexual pleasure from writing about – wait. …….I'll get back to you on that last one.

Anyways, again, I can't help but apologize for my long absence. It's been so long since I've had contact with you reviewers, I don't even know if you're still out there! If you are, I sincerely hope that you can give my story another chance (though I know I have no right to ask.)

Also, I (literally just ten seconds ago) noticed that you can directly reply to reviews on here! So I think in future, it will be easier, instead of listing the replies in front of the chapters, to just directly reply to them. So that is what I will start doing (assuming that I ever have reviewers again. L)

But, whenever a new reviewer reviews, I will still mention them here. Because I believe that, for taking time to be nice and review, you deserve SOME kind of recognition. And you lot are an integral part of this fic. Once this fic is complete, there will be no more room for reviewer recognition. (though I'll still be just as grateful and happy to receive reviews, and eager to reply to them.) The reviewers I have along the journey are a special group for as long as this story exists. Which should be a long ass time considering I won't ever take it down.

Ok, enough with the sappy-ness.

**TeiraanCHAN:** _Thank YOU for giving me hope that there are still those out there that will read this story! You're the last reviewer I'm going to reply to in-story. And don't worry, there's plenty more crack to come._

**More special thanks to** 00 _TeiraanCHAN _00 **for adding Me/My Story to their Alerts/Favorites.**

And a freakishly huge behemoth thank-you to those who read but didn't review. (My hope that you exist keeps me going.)

**Chapter Thirteen: So is Spaghetti**

Enjoy!

"Hey Potter, over here." Draco said, luring Harry around the corner.

Harry was surprised to see Draco. It was just after dinner and he was heading for the Gryffindor common room to sulk. He had not seen Draco all day, so naturally he jumped ten feet when Draco showed up.

"Where've you been all day Malfoy?" Harry asked with a slight frown.

"Miss me?"

"Maybe." Harry's voice was even, but a slight tinge crept up to his face.

"Hm. Perhaps I won't tell you then, if you didn't even have the decency to care whether I'm around or not." Draco replied with a smirk.

Harry rolled his eyes. "If I admit that I missed you, will you tell me where you were?"

Draco laughed. "You don't have to admit it Potter, I know you did."

"Whatever you say, Malfoy." Harry said sarcastically.

"I spent all of my hard work and energy today into putting together a surprise for you."

"A surprise?" Harry asked, eyes growing wide.

"Yes a surprise." said Draco smugly.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Really really?"

"Really, really."

"Really, really, really?"

"What are you, five?" Draco asked laughing.

Harry blushed. "Well…no one's ever spent a whole day making me a surprise before." He said sheepishly.

Draco smiled and dragged Harry down the fifth floor corridor. They stopped abruptly at the painting of the Hogwarts crest. Draco whispered " Extraho Flamma" and bricks slid about two feet out of the walls. He turned to Harry and smirked.

"What does that mean? What you just said?" Harry asked.

"Dragon Flames." He smirked. "Follow me Potter." He said suggestively and climbed up into the portrait.

Harry looked around, confirming that there were no other students around to see what he was about to do. "Blue skadoo we can too!" He sang and jumped into the portrait not even bothering with the bricks.

He slid down a slide on the other side and landed on velvet crimson carpet. The slide disappeared behind him the moment his feet touched the floor. He straightened and his jaw dropped.

It was a fairly large room, with a flickering fireplace that had a fluffy rug in front of it and in front of that a giant plush emerald green couch and a maplewood coffee table in front of that. Across from there lay a gigantic four poster bed with silky red sheets and pillows and a forest green comforter. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling and two oakwood polished desks sat in a corner and across from them a chess table and a small breakfast table. Draco's trunk was pushed up against the bed with plenty of room for another trunk beside it.

"Do you like it?" Draco asked.

"Draco, what is this place?" Harry asked, his voice smothered in awe.

"Our…ah…nest." he said smiling. " Here we can be alone, we can talk, eat, play chess, do homework, anything. Even sleep. And we can sneak out so no one will know where we are. I made it for us. And no one knows the password but you and me. Of course, if you don't like it, we don't have to stay here, we can always spend our time together shivering on the rooftop."

Harry gave him a wide smile. "I love it Draco. This is so awesome. Hold on I'll be right back."

Harry left. It was about fifteen minutes before Draco watched a trunk shoot through the portrait hole followed by an owl cage and ebony hair.

"I'm going to move in here." Harry said.

"Are you serious?"

"Yep. I like it here. No one's gawking at me, or hitting on me, or playing with stupid barbie dolls, or being Irish. This place is nice."

"Yeah, I suppose it is." Draco said, looking around.

Harry took a tour around the room admiring everything. "What's this door lead to?" he asked, pointing to a small black door that he hadn't noticed.

"Oh. That's our loo."

"We have our own bathroom?"

"Of course. It's going to be an odd experience, sharing a bath with someone though." Draco remarked.

"You've never shared a bathroom with someone?" Harry asked slowly.

"No. Why would I?"

"Even here, at school, you've had your own personal bathroom?"

"Why would I elect to share a bathroom with someone else?"

"Um, because we have to?"

"We do?"

"Well apparently, _you _don't, being a Malfoy and all." Harry said haughtily.

"That's not true. Every student gets their own loo. I mean, it's a small one, but everyone gets one to themselves."

Harry looked confused. "Not in Gryffindor. We only have one bathroom for each dormitory and we all share it."

Draco looked appalled. "You have to share one bathroom with four other boys?"

"Yep."

"Merlin. Gods! That has to be disturbing. Must be a Gryffindor thing."

"I'm pretty sure it's a 'rest of the school' thing." Harry said, laughing.

"I've never felt more grateful to be a Slytherin." Draco said sincerely.

Harry rolled his eyes at him. "I do wonder why it is that Slytherin students get their own private baths? Seems like favoritism to me."

Draco snorted. "Says the Gryffindor Golden Boy, Dumbledore's Pride and Joy."

"That's really not funny."

Draco sighed. "I suppose it's because we Slytherins are so mistrustful of everyone. Too paranoid to even take a leak with the possibility of someone spying on us."

Harry giggled as he walked towards what he thought had been a makeshift closet."Oh my god! Is this your wardrobe or a clothing shop!" he yelled suddenly.

Draco laughed. "That's just one of my wardrobes. I haven't moved in my other _four_ yet."

"Oh my god! This closet is huge and by the time you move in the rest of your clothes there won't be room to open any of them if the other four are the same size!"

"Well...I suppose I could leave _one_ of them in Slytherin..."Draco trailed off.

Harry threw a pillow at him.

"What was that for?"

"For being your rich, pampered, Malfoy self."

Draco grabbed a pillow and swung it at Harry. They proceeded to have a pillow fight until both of them were covered with feathers and gasping for air. "That was fun. I love winning." Draco said.

"Excuse me? I won the victory in this pillow fight." Harry said.

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Potter, I just let you think that because your inability to heave a pillow is most shameful and I didn't want you to feel bad because my skills are obviously superior."

"Were you born a snob or did that come with the blockbuster card?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I still won."

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did."

Did not."

"Did."

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Bugger."

"Snob."

"Ingrate."

"Prick."

"Pixie."

" Dickhead."

"Hufflepuff."

Harry gasped. "Hufflepuff! Draco you take that back! Is that anyway to speak to your boyfriend!" Harry cried and crossed his arms.

Draco laughed. "That's very Hufflepuff of you, getting all upset over a little word."

Harry glared. "Penis wrinkle." he muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing Draco."

Draco rolled his eyes. "Did you bring that talking box of yours with you?"

"First of all, its called a tv, second of all yes I did bring it. Along with a movie I think we should watch."

"What movie?"

" It's called ' Titanic ' it's really good. I nicked it from my Aunt Petunia." Harry slid in the DVD…

By the end of the movie Harry was smiling sadly, coming out of the reverie the movie had put him into. He heard sniffling beside him. "Draco...Draco are you crying?"

"I am most positively not crying Potter, Malfoy's do not cry!" he blew his nose loudly into a very expenisve looking embroidered handkerchief. "How could that happen? I mean, they were in love! In love!"

"Draco, its-its just a movie." Harry said uncertainly.

"But those people died! And that guy, who is really hot by the way, drowned! Why did the hot one have to drown Harry?!"

"I dunno..."

"It's just so sad." he said, wiping his eyes.

"Yeah. I have another movie that might cheer you up." Harry said, opening his trunk to find it.

"Okay." Draco replied reluctantly.

"Found it! Alright Draco this one is really funny, its called ' Austin Powers the Spy who Shagged Me' its British, so-" Harry took a second to look Draco up and down, "yeah, you'll like it."

Draco did more than just like it, he loved it. He went around saying "Shaggilicious baby" for the rest of the night until Harry slapped him so hard he rendered him unconcious. They both decided to call it a night after that and woke up the next morning cuddling.

Harry did not want to leave the warm body next to him, but unfortunately, it was Monday, which meant he had to face the world. He groaned. He could hear Draco up and about humming, softly gathering his things. Occasionally a whispered "Shaggilicious" would spring up followed by a small stream of hushed giggles. Finally , said giggler decided Harry was not waking up fast enough.

Draco called from across the room "Oh Harry dear, wakey, wakey. It's time to get up and watch people oggle your facey!"

Harry threw a pillow in Draco's general direction. He missed, obviously.

"Tsk tsk. I guess I'll just have to make you wake up. This time I don't think I'll be so gentle." And with that Draco put down his book and sprang into a dead run at the four poster Harry was hiding in. He boosted up from the trunk, yelled "Bonzai!" as loudly as he could, and landed squarely on top of the sleeping Gryffindor.

Harry gave a loud "OOF!" as Draco landed and opened his eyes, the wind knocked out of him. "Wake up sleepy head." Draco said, smiling down at a glaring Harry.

"Draco you have three seconds to get off of me. One. Two." Harry's glare intensified. "Don't you make me get to three..."

Draco gulped, tentatively got up and sprinted for the portrait hole, barely having enough time to release the slide for the other side. He took off in the direction of the breakfast table, hoping to God that a certain Golden Boy wasn't chasing him.

Harry recuperated slightly before heading down to the breakfast table himself. He said 'hi' to his friends like he always did before they began pounding him with questions as to where he had been. He gave excuses that he had been studying late again when Seamus Finegan plopped down next to him and glared.

"Where were you last night Harry Potter?"

"St-studying." Harry gulped.

"Bollocks. I don't believe that for one second. Why wait until your seventh year to get an interest in studying?"

"I don't know Seamus. Maybe because I had Voldemort terrorizing me for the other six? I've had some shit on my mind."

"I know that Potter." Seamus said quietly. He scooted closer and draped his arm across Harry's shoulder. All of a sudden, the Slytherin table started to shake, but this escaped the notice of the Gryffindors. "I could take all of that shit off of your mind, if you'd let me." He purred.

"Seamus cut it out. For the last time I'm straight!" Harry said sliding Seamus's arm off. The Slytherin table's shaking ceased slightly.

"Straight." Seamus laughed. "Yeah right. So is spaghetti, "he said glancing at Harry " before you heat it up." He winked at Harry and left the table, leaving the Golden Boy blushing slightly.

No one noticed a certain white-haired Slytherin leave shortly after Seamus.

No one also noticed Seamus's absence from morning and afternoon classes and dinner.

No one noticed alot of things...

I used an online translator for the password that Draco uses. So, it may or may not be credible. (Shrug)

Anyways, these chapter that only focus on just a couple of people throughout, will be few. Mostly because, with the way my mind works, I get better chapters if I switch scenes on and off. It's hard for me to stick with just one or two people for a long period of time and have it come out well-written. I either ramble on and bore myself, or I try too hard and it comes out being ridiculous (even for me) (which is saying something)

So for the most part, the story will progress with chapters that consist of many random scenes, so we get a glimpse into what's going on with everyone. I try to keep them short so in case you don't like a certain person (or people) you don't have to spend a long time with them. (Though, you're pretty fucked if you don't like Harry or Draco.)

Anyways, I'll try to remain true to my word and post the next chapter soon.

Til then,

_Blessed Be. _

**Draco: **Who, on God's green earth, would have the audacity to NOT like me and Harry?!

**Harry:** You have to face the fact that there will be some people out there who don't care for you Draco.

**Draco:** Like who? Show me to these supposed "people"

**Harry:** (Sigh) Why do I even bother?

**Draco:** _Bother with what? What are you bothering?_

**Harry: **_Never mind…_

**Draco**_: I demand to know what you're talking about._

**Authoress:** _Draco, just give it a rest already._

**Draco:** _How dare you order me around? I'm a Malfoy!_

**Authoress:** _Yeah, like the blonde hair and spoiled prima donna attitude didn't already clue us in._

**Harry:** _You are acting like kind of a diva tonight Draco. You should probably chill out._

**Draco:** _Chill out? I don't need to chill out! Like I told you, I'm a-_

**Authoress and Harry:** (at the same time) _a Malfoy._

**Authoress:** _We know._

**Harry:** _It's true, love, pretty much everybody knows._

**Authoress:** _I know what his problem is._

**Draco:** _I don't have a problem you idiotic harpy, I –_

**Authoress:** _He hasn't been laid in a WHILE._

**Harry:** _He hasn't?_

**Draco:** (sputters)

**Authoress:** _Nope. He hasn't even had some proper "alone" time in months._

**Harry:** _Is that true Draco?_

**Draco:** _I don't know who you think you are you crazy muggle, but my personal life is none of your business!_

**Harry:** _Actually….it is. She controls everything that happens to us Draco. Everything._

**Authoress**: (with an evil grin) _Everything._

**Draco:** (gasps in horror)


	14. Invitations and French Maid Outfits

So I'm honestly feeling very happy that about the reviews I've gotten. Considering I was expecting absolutely none, they came as a welcome surprise. Hope this story proves itself worthy. I will continue to write it so long as even one person continues to wish it.

I don't have much else to update on except I'm entertaining thoughts about in the future possibly having a go at a serious Hermione/Snape fanfic. What do you think?

REALLY special thanks to 00 Not much of a cheese shop, peace-and-war, Tessiuzza 00 for adding Me/My Story to their Favorites/Alerts. You guys rock.

And also mega-grateful-ness to those of you who read and didn't review. (My firm belief that you're out there keeps me going.)

**Chapter Fourteen: Invitations, Congregations, and French Maid Outfits**

Enjoy!

Seamus Finnigan was getting scared. It was a beautiful September day and he was just leaving breakfast to go out on the grounds to enjoy the nice weather before his first class when he kept hearing footsteps behind him. Every time he would turn around, however, there would be no one there and the footsteps would cease.

He was at the edge of the forbidden forest, under a shady oak where he was going to plop down and start some homework, when a black gloved hand shot out and grabbed his shoulder. "Finnigan." it said coldly.

Seamus went pale. "Who are you what do you want?"

"What I want is for you to leave Harry Potter alone. Can you do that for me?" the voice asked.

"You don't own him." Seamus spat, his want for Harry overpowering his fear. He turned to look into a hooded face. "Who are you anyways?" he eyed the figure suspiciously.

"That is none of your business. And yes, I do own him. He is mine and not yours. And you'd better leave him alone, or you will run into some very ...unfortunate accidents. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal." Seamus gulped.

"Wonderful. But I'm afraid I have to ensure that this little lesson of mine…sticks." The mysterious man pulled something out of his robes.

Seamus looked at the item and started screaming "NO! PLEASE NO! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE NOOO!"

Harry was extremely bored. It was after lunch, he was sitting in his and Draco's rooms, with nothing to do having excused himself from the remainder of his classes. He hadn't seen Draco at lunch, or in Potions where Snape had taken away over fifty house points because Harry sneezed and then made him apologize to everyone in the class individually for his sneeze.

He hated Snape.

Now he was waiting in his dorm, pacing the floor, waiting for Draco. What was worse, he couldn't find his portable DVD player, which made him feel uneasy because he was certain that he had left it on the table the night before.

He had worn a significant hole in the floor by the time Draco's blonde head slid through the portrait. "There you are! I've been waiting for you! Where were you?" he demanded of the Slytherin.

"I was just taking care of some business." Draco said offhandedly and then threw himself down onto the couch. " I'm beat. What say we have dinner brought to us tonight?"

"Alright." Harry said. "Draco, do you know what I did with my portable DVD player? I can't find it anywhere!"

"I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about Harry Potter." Draco said so fast it made Harry suspicious.

"Umm...ok whatever. Anyways, I guess I'll just have to use the regular one."

"What regular one?"

"Oh, well I emailed my friend Tom Felton , you wouldn't know him, he's a muggle. And well him and my other friend Daniel Radcliffe got me a tv and a regular DVD player and sent it to me. I don't know how they managed. But yeah they were my good buddies. I wish they were wizards it would be cool to hang out with them here. Anyways, this movie we can see alot bigger and alot better." Harry began struggling with a big giant gray box that he took out of the closet and then a smaller, black box that he proceeded to fumble with.

Draco snorted, amused that Harry seemed to forget sometimes that he could do magic. He watched Harry as he began rumaging through his DVD's trying to find the perfect one.

"Thats funny. I know I packed it..." Harry muttered to himself. He turned to his smirking lover. "Draco have you seen my 'Hannah Montana' dvd?" he asked uncertainly.

"Nope. Never heard of it."

"Hmm.. That's funny. Oh well I guess we'll just watch Pirates of the Carribean." Harry shrugged and slipped the disc into the player.

They settled down to watch the movie, Harry worrying where his Hannah Montana dvd had went to, and Draco wondering how his life had taken such an excellent turn for the better.

"Okay settle down everyone, settle down. The meeting will begin. Our spies are late, but maybe they're just tracking down some extra information." Colin Creevey tapped the podium with a wooden gavel.

Everyone stopped talking and turned to the front.

"Okay now I am not an information collector, I am the leader I only report what I just happen to come by and so far I have found out something interesting."

"Ooh what is it Colin?" asked Padma.

"Harry Potter has not been spending recent nights in Gryffindor Tower, he has been staying out all night and not making himself seen until breakfast. When questioned, Harry Potter stated that he was studying for his NEWTS. Rodney, get started on this story immediately_. Headline:_ Potter's Late Nights, Book affair? Or Hidden Secrets?"

Rodney nodded and began typing.

Glo giggled. "I like that."

"That brings me to you Glo, our fifth and last spy. You do a lot for our group. You're a spy, you write the advice column, most of the girl gossip from the Snitch...Are you sure you don't want to be just a regular writer?" Colin asked.

"Well, spy work is kind of tiring, but I am very good at it. I love writing a lot though, so I think I'll just stick with writing. Though I'd be willing to spy of course when some really juicy gossip turns up." she glanced up at Colin eyes gleaming with mischief.

"Perfect. Thats your new job. Now, what do you have to report?"

" Mostly Snitch stuff. I overheard some load about Harry being a eunuch, and then about him being molested by his uncle. Also, did you know Neville Longbottom plays with barbies?"

"I'm not interested in Neville Longbottom, but now that you mention it. I think we should put juicy gossip about other students in our paper as well. Not only would more people buy it because, lets face it, not everyone loves Harry enough to buy the magazine, but the extra stuff about other people would draw attention. Ok, um... Kirk, get started on the Neville report, put it in the Snitch. Alicia put the molested story in the Phoenix, make it tragic, sad, Harry is to be the victim. Abby, put the eunuch article in the Snitch, make it be known that it is just gossip. Ernie, go get the advice letters out of the box and bring them to Glo. Glo, call up our spies, and see whats taking the-"

Susan, Larry, Lance, and Max suddenly opened the door and strode into the room. "Sorry we're late Colin." Max said, out of breath.

"What has been going on? First of all, just give me your daily spy reports first please."

"Hufflepuff is dry as my last name." said Susan Bones dryly.

"Same with Ravenclaw" said Larry.

"Gryffindor is just about the same, the only information I have is what you already know. Except that bit about Seamus having a crush on Harry."

"Ernie, put the Seamus bit in the Snitch. _Headline:_ Finnigan falls for Potter, is it true?" Colin cut in.

"Continue." he said.

"Well, there is a rumor going around in Slytherin that Harry is dating one of us. And-

Colin cut in again "Terry put that in the Snitch. _Headline:_ Potter's Slithery Sexcapades" Colin said without blinking. "Again, sorry, go on."

"And theres also a rumour going around that Harry likes brunettes, and also that he was once in love with Sirius Black..." Lance frowned and shrugged.

"Hmm...Kira start on the Sirius story, _headline:_ Harry's past romance with a danger named Black." Colin turned back to the room. "Oh, yeah and Kira, be a dear and write up the brunette thing too, put them both in the Snitch. Is that all we have to report? Oh, I almost forgot, Terry, give Dennis your Quidditch review so he can write up the article. Also, Dennis, report and write up what Potter had for breakfast. Alicia do lunch, and um...Glo you sit close enough, you can do dinner."

Glo raised her hand.

"Yes?"

" Well, I can't do dinner because Harry Potter wasn't at dinner."

"Hmm. Ok then write an article about that. _Headline:_ Potter missing meals, Eating disorder, or Something More?"

Soon everyone in the room was typing while Colin was shuffling through papers. All of a sudden he stood up. "Group, I have an idea. We need to add some things to our zine Padma I want you to get started on adding a weekly horoscope to the Phoenix."

She smiled. "Great idea!"

"And…Lance I want you to find someone who can start making comics." Colin ordered. Lance nodded approvingly.

"Colin, I have those pictures developed. The ones you took." Dennis said, handing Colin a packet.

"Good." he chose a few and handed them out to people to go with the different articles.

"Ok Group, we have a great team built, but it could be better. We all need to work harder, and longer to make the best zine we can. Meeting adjourned." he said with another rap of his gavel.

Hermione was in the library, books piled all around her. She had just confirmed suspicions that Harry Potter was in fact, gay.

The knowledge didn't bother Hermione, however.

It actually made her feel better. She now knew that it wasn't her fault that Harry didn't like her. She could now give up all thought of him and go on with her life.

She was just about to quit researching and go back to Gryffindor Tower when a certain someone sat down across from her. "Hello Granger." said Pansy Parkinson in a would-be casual voice, but sounded way too much like a seductive voice to be casual.

"Oh, Hi Pansy." Hermione said, in a voice too squeaky to be her normal one.

"Whats up?" said Pansy, raising a brow at Hermione's obvious discomfort.

"N-Nothing, just you know, studying."

"Studying gay material for Arithmacy?" Pansy quirked a brow.

"Oh no, I'm just. Well you see- I ...well..."

"Forget it. Not important. What is important, is that The Slytherins are having a party on Samhain, I mean, on Halloween. Its going to be a blast. Its a costume party. Everyone wears a mask, no one will know who you are, so I'm inviting you. Do you want to come?" Pansy toyed with a lock of Hermione's hair, staring at her coyly.

"Well, I'm not sure, the Gryffindors are having a party as well and it would look strange if I didn't attend, but… I guess I could try to make it there. Yeah. I will be there." Hermione confirmed, making up her mind.

"Good." said Pansy leaning forward until she was inches away from Hermione's face. "Here's your key." She said, and dropped a plastic, metallic green card into Hermione's lap. She smiled, got up and walked away.

"Well that was strange." said Hermione, following not long after to go her different route to Gryffindor Tower.

"Blast Potter! I hate you!" roared Snape, pacing around his office again.

He growled. "Its not fair! I had you! My plans were perfect! Now they're ruined and its all _your_ fault!" he yelled pointing furiously at the fanfiction authoress.

Authoress:_ "Hey don't look at me bub, its not my fault you suck at making plans."_

Snape:_ "I do not "suck" at making plans. Name one plan I've made that I've "sucked" at!"_

Authoress:_ "Hmm…well, let's see, you failed at trying to have a relationship with Lily, you failed at being a true Death Eater, you failed at getting Sirius Black imprisoned, you failed at teaching Harry Occlumency, you failed at not killing Dumbledore, need I go on?"_

Snape:_ "I. Will. Murder. You."_

Authoress:_ "Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me? Please, I control everything."_

Snape:_ "I will inflict serious pain upon you if you do not deliver Harry Potter to my doorstep right this instant!"_

Authoress:_ "Uh huh. And what are you going to do? Spank me and take away my birthday? I'm shaking, I'm shaking."_

Snape:_ "You filthy, ignorant muggle! I demand that you deliver Harry Potter to my doorstep, right now – fucking giftwrapped or you will rue the day you toyed with me!"_

Authoress_: "You know, I don't think I will do that, but what I can do is give you a bright pink Mohawk, force you into an illicit relationship with a Blast-Ended Skrewt, and throw you in Azkaban with it for being a pedophile. I have a sick mind, I can do things. Or I could just give Neville his boa back…."_

_Snape turned a sickly pale. "You wouldn't."_

Authoress:_ "Wanna try me?" _

Snape gave his famous and deadliest death glare, one that would have made first years pee their pants and stalked out of the scene shouting curses the whole way.

Ron was bored. Very bored. Very bored and Very confused. He had not seen Harry since classes, he always seemed to be disappearing these days. He had also not seen Hermione in what felt like forever and she too was acting rather strange. He had also not seen Seamus Finnigan in a while either, which really didn't bother him because Seamus was kind of annoying, but still and all, everyone it seemed, was disappearing.

He decided to take a walk outdoors to clear his head. He went around Hagrid's hut, past the lake, waving to the giant squid, past the greenhouses, and out near the Forbidden Forest. He sat down to relax.

Soon, he started to hear a faint sound, coming from the shed at the edge of the forest. He decided to go investigate.

He approached the door, and the sound got louder. "Alohamora." he whispered, and as the door swung open, he gasped.

Inside, tied to a chair, was Seamus Finnigan, dressed in a french maid outfit, watching the most horrible thing on a portable DVD player Ron had ever seen. He quickly ran into the shed and turned off the player.

That didn't stop Seamus from smiling insanely and laughing.

"Seamus! Seamus wake up! Dear gods what have they done to you?! Seamus! No!" Ron's screams echoing all the way back to the castle.

"Harry." Draco began, his fingers running smoothly through Harry's hair.

"Mm?" Harry said.

They were both lounging on the couch. Watching yet another DVD."Do you want to go to the Slytherin Halloween party?"

"I can't. My Gryffindor friends would never let me live it down."

"Its a costume party babe, which means no one will even know you're there."

"Oh...ok..."

Draco sighed, it was clear Harry had not really heard him for he was too wound up in the movie. "Five, four, three, two, on-"

"OH! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! What will I wear?!" Harry sprang up and immediately went to his trunk flinging clothes everywhere.

"Harry, hon, you have almost a whole month."

"Thats easy for you to say, I'm catholic, I don't have a lot of options!" Harry screeched, flinging his hands up.

"What?" Draco shook his head, confused.

"Nevermind. Just leave me alone until I find what I'm going to wear." Harry said, ushering Draco back with his hands, like he was trying to keep him from hopping into a fire, and not from interfering with his outfit decisions.

"Ok whatever you want." Draco held his hands flat in front of him and backed up, surrendering.

He walked towards his desk and decided to take this oppurtunity to write home.

_Dear Mother, _

_Thank you very , very much for lending me your french maid outfit, I assure you I put it to good use. I'm happy you took the news of Harry and I so well, please don't tell Father the full truth, you know how he gets._

_Also, if you could wire just a bit more spending money to my school account I would be oh so grateful. _

_Love you Mother,_

_Kiss, kiss,_

_Your little fruitcup_

Draco folded up the parchment and addressed it. "Harry dear, I'll be right back I have to pay a visit to the owlery."

"Yeah yeah whatever." Harry said waving him off, not paying the least bit of attention.

"Cissa for the last time stop bothering me! I'm trying to perfect my plans." Lucius growled.

Narcissa sighed. "Fine Luci I guess you don't want to have light up ice cubes at our son's fifth birthday."

Lucius started to say something, then stopped, it was useless trying to talk sense into Narcissa.

"Blast you Potter. Vengence will be mine." He muttered, shaking his fist.

Lucius continued scribbling on his plans while Narcissa continued to play pattycake with her invisible purple monkeys.

Ahahaha! Well, that was fun to write! Well...er- to re-write. Lol

I kind of carried the eunuch theme from the "Pirates of the Carribean" dvd into the fan club, and I brought in Tom and Dan a little bit. (If you don't know they are the actors that play Draco and Harry respectively, in the movies) I'm not sure they'd appreciate it, but after so many teenagers lusting after their bodies my crazy antics shouldn't come as much of a shock.

I couldn't help Collin's "headlines" bit. Priceless. And Harry's "catholic" line is taken from a very funny episode of Family Guy (of course) Don't you just love how Harry never has to go to class? And how Pansy's suddenly hitting on Hermione hard. Hopefully you've figured out what drove Seamus to hysterics. Lawl.

Ahh, the wonderful slashy goodness. I should make a sitcom.

Thanks for reading!

Blessed Be~!

**Authoress:**_ So have you finally gotten off your high horse Draco?_

**Draco:**_ Horse? What horse? I don't ride horses. I eat them for breakfast._

**Harry:**_ She meant it figuratively love._

**Draco:**_ Oh. Well. Whatever._

**Authoress:**_ Can I take that as a yes?_

**Draco:**_ You can't take anything from me, ho-bag._

**Harry:**_ (gasps) Just take it as a yes. It's a yes! Draco – shut the hell up._

**Draco:**_ I will not! Malfoys' do not have to take crap from silly muggle girls._

**Authoress:**_ Where did he learn the term ho-bag?_

**Harry:**_ Er…well you left your MTV on the other day…_

**Authoress:**_ Oh God._

**Harry:**_ Yeah, you know Draco and tv…_

**Draco:**_ I am not half as addicted to that talking box as you two._

**Authoress:**_ Draco, you-_

**Draco:**_ I didn't give you permission to speak, muggle._

**Harry:**_ Draco!_

**Authoress:**_ You'd better be nice to me Draco._

**Draco:**_ I don't think I will, thanks. You don't deserve nice._

**Harry:**_ Draco, really, shut up. Please._

**Draco:**_ I won't shut up, this muggle twit has another thing coming if she thinks she can boss me around all day._

**Authoress: **_Draco, I'm warning you, you're in dangerous territory._

**Draco:**_ (fake-scared voice) Ooh I'm so afraid. What are you going to do? "Spank me and take away my birthday?"_

**Harry:**_ Oh Merlin…._

**Authoress:**_ (wicked smile) That's exactly what I'm going to do._

**Harry:**_ Well, this is going to be awkward…_

**Draco:**_ Yeah right, you couldn't-_

**Authoress:**_ Bend over Malfoy. _


	15. Forts, Psychiatry, and Crooky Noses

Ok so it has just now (as in like ten minutes ago) come to my attention that some of my chapter separators are not showing up. This really bugs me and I can't believe no one has pointed it out to me sooner! I mean, this fic is crazy enough WITH scene separators – I can't imagine what sense you can make of it reading it without!

The things I do to you poor, poor, defenseless readers. (Sigh)

Anyways, from now on I'll go back to using bubbles to separate one scene from the next. (In all actuality these are merely zeros but I feel like deceiving someone today.) Sorry for the small delay in updating, the internet got knocked out for a while (because we switched from cable to satellite.)

Special thanks to 00 _mth999pop_, _ThoseNiceJeans_ 00 for adding Me/My story to their Favorites/Alerts. Also great thanks to _Chocola Emo Shizzle_ for being an original fan and giving this fic a second chance.

As always, many thanks to those who read but didn't review. I love you.

**Chapter Fifteen: Forts, Psychiatry, and Crooky Noses**

_Enjoy!_

* * *

Saturday morning had Harry Potter frantically continuing his search for an outfit. He had searched for one until he fell asleep over his trunk, Draco having to resort to magic to levitate him and tuck him into bed. Now, as soon as his eyes opened, he had jumped up and began his arduous quest through his trunk, Draco's snores echoing softly around the room.

But, alas, our hero was not to prevail, for his trunk had become empty and Harry had still not found the perfect outfit.

"This is gay." Harry said pouting and crossing his arms.

_'Stella whatever will I do_?' he asked his brain desperately.

_'How the hell should I know? I'm a brain!_'

Harry sighed. _'Well somebody is grumpy this morning.'_

_"I know what you could do!" _squeaked Blanche.

_'Blanche? Really? What?'_

_'You could look in Draco's wardrobe!'_

Harry looked uncertain. _'I dunno..._'

_'You could Harry, just do it. Draco has nice clothes.'_

_'Ok I'll do it.'_ He agreed finally.

Harry glanced over at Draco's sleeping form and ever so slowly walked over to Draco's party wardrobe. As he expected, there were minor locking charms on it. He brushed past those, and slowly, reached for the handle...

"WHO THE HELL'S TOUCHING MY CLOTHES!" Draco shouted all of a sudden, jolting upright in bed.

Harry had just brushed the handle with his fingertips before he screamed, startled, and jumped back.

"Dammit! I broke a nail!" Harry hissed.

"Why were you touching my clothes?" Draco demanded, crossing his arms.

"I was looking for something to wear to the party." Harry replied innocently.

"No."

"Huh?"

"No. No. No. No. No. NO. Never. Nobody, not even you lovely, goes near Draco's clothes. Those are off limits. That is why I have severe charms on my wardrobes, to keep them safe from evil clothing molesters like yourself."

"You don't have severe charms on them, I brushed past those locking charms!" Harry said smugly.

Draco chuckled. "Please, those were just warnings. If you would have continued to open it, you would have been in for a nasty surprise. It doesn't open to anyone who doesn't carry my blood in their veins. Besides, anytime anyone even touches it, a warning goes off in my brain."

Harry sighed. "Well I have nothing to wear to your party, so I guess I can't go." he shrugged.

"I have a french maid outfit you could borrow." Draco replied absently.

"A what?"

"Nothing. I'm taking you shopping today, so come on, lets get down to breakfast and then go to Hogsmeade." Draco smiled, getting out of the bed and stretching.

"Yay! Shopping!" Harry yipped excitedly, clapping his hands together.

* * *

Hermione was busy building a fort. She stacked one book on top of the other until her fort which stretched across two whole library tables was complete. She conjured up a giant blanket and gently maneuvered it over the books and tables.

There, now that was a fort!

She was about to climb inside when she heard sniffling noises coming from the next aisle over. She sighed and doing her Head Girl duty, walked over to check it out.

It was none other than Professor Snape.

"Professor?" Hermione asked, coming closer to the sobbing potion's master.

"Sod off Granger." Snape said, turning his back to her.

"Thats no way to talk to a student! Whats wrong Professor?"

"Nothing's wrong, Qualified Professor's like me don't have problems."

"Come on Professor, everyone has problems. Tell Dr. Hermione whats the matter."

"Well, it all started when-"

"Wait. First come into my office." Hermione led Snape around the bookshelf to the front of her fort where she conjured a slender couch and a wooden chair. "Please, lie down." she said, pointing to the couch.

Snape laid down on the couch and crossed his hands over his stomach. "Well, like I said, it all started when I was four and my daddy made me buy shoes for my mom. Well, she was so happy after I bought her those damn shoes that she decided that I needed a makeover. I was all like 'Mom, no' and she was all like 'Yes sweetie, we're going to the salon.' And so we went to the salon and there was a lady there and she was creepy looking and well it was all okay until...until..."

"Its ok Professor, let it out. Its ok." Hermione said soothingly.

"Until she made me wash my hair!" Professor Snape screeched, bursting into sobs.

"Oh thats horrible." said Hermione "Go, on."

"And then when I was five my pet gerbil attacked me and it bit me on the nose which is why my nose is so grotesque looking. It wasn't my fault the stupid gerbil bit me but none of the kids in my class would understand that. They were all like "Sevy you have a crooky nose!" And I was all like "Hey shut up!" and then they were all like "Na na na na na na na Sevy has a crooky nose Sevy has a crooky nose!" And then, then it wasn't my fault, but when you gotta cry it just happens and then they called me 'Snivelus' for the rest of my school career. Because my stupid crooked nose wouldn't stop running and I kept sniffling and now I never get to go to college!"

"I see." said Hermione looking at the notes on her clip board.

"And then well-" Snape was suddenly cut off by a loud rumbling noise. The floorboards under them groaned and creeked.

"This whole damn school is falling apart!" Snape cried.

It was true, the floorboards screamed and shook as they pummelled through the floor, the fort collapsing on top of them. They crashed through story after story before finally landing in the basement of the school.

"I've never been in the basement before." Hermione said getting up and shaking off the rubble. Snape too got up and dusted himself off glaring at Hermione. He pointed a skeletal pale finger at her.

"If you tell anyone what I've revealed to you Granger, you will pay with your life." he said threateningly.

"I promise I will tell no one." She did the 'scouts honor' salute.

"You'd better not." and with that Snape stalked off out of the scene.

"Whoa its creepy down here. I've read about this basement. All sorts of magical backup leaks down here. This is where the mole people live. I sure don't want to tamper with them mole people." Hermione shivered, looking around, though it was so black she could barely make out her hand in front of her face. "I need some fresh air. I've been in that library too long."

She brushed as much dust off her shoulders as she could and tred up the stairs leading into the Entrance Hall. Upon arriving she checked the readout on the House Points, satisfied that the red rubies in the Gryffindor case were still slightly above the Slytherin emeralds. She started her walk squinting her eyes shut at the bright sunlight as she opened the doors.

She was going to rest under her favorite tree near Hagrid's hut, but upon arriving she saw three first years studying there. "Figures. Damn firsties." she muttered and decided to pay Hagrid a visit instead.

She knocked on the big oak door.

"Who is it?" she heard a gruff voice reply.

"Me, Hagrid."

"Oh, Mione how nice of you to come see me." he said, opening the door.

Hermione blinked. This couldn't be Hagrid or his house.

Standing in front of her was a half giant with cleanly shaven short red hair, no beard, and a small red mustache. He was wearing a plain white T-shirt that read 'World's best Dad' and blue jeans. Over that he had on a pink frilly apron. But what was even weirder was the fact that his house was completely and totally spotless. No dust or dirt anywhere to be seen. And in the center of the room was a giant pale yellow crib and baby things piled neatly all over the hut. A stack of diapers here, some blue booties there, bibs and pjs here. Hermione was speechless.

"Have a seat Hermione. It feels like it's been forever." Hagrid gestured towards the small table.

"H-Hagrid. I didn't know you had a child." Hermione's eyes scanned the room, wide with shock.

"Oh, well I don't, I mean, not yet. But Maxime's expectin." Hagrid flashed a bright smile.

"Oh really? Wow Hagrid thats great news!" Hermione said excitedly.

"Yeah I'm goin t' be a Da." Hagrid sighed. "Can't wait." He beamed.

"Wait til Harry and Ron find out." Hermione said.

"Doubt those two'd even care." Hagrid grunted, frowning.

"Why do you say that Hagrid?"

"Them two aint been to see me since I got married. The last time I seen them was at me own wedding. That was months ago! Atleast you've stopped by when you've had free time, them two haven't even bothered to come see me, and are always rushin away everytime I even pass em' by." Hagrid frowned. He looked so strange and out of place with his new hair cut and attire. It made him look like a completely different person.

"Well Harry and Ron have both been acting strange lately. They get so caught up in their own lives. I barely even see them anymore."

"I'm sorry Mione, I'm always here if you need to chat." Hagrid patted her hand sympathetically.

"Thanks Hagrid. Ever since Ron and I broke up he avoids me like the plague."

"Well I always knew you two would never last. You're too different." He said, shaking his head.

"I realize that now."

"Let me pour us both a cuppa and we can catch up." Hagrid set about making tea.

"That sounds terrific." Hermione smiled at him. "Have you thought of any names? For the baby?"

"Well...we're thinkina Simon if it's a boy, but me and the missus can't decide on a girl name."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Well she wants Aurora, " he replied, carrying two steaming mugs of tea to the table, "but I think Rowan is a perfect name." He set the cups down and scooted the smaller one towards Hermione.

"Those are both beautiful names" Hermione said, taking a sip, "Too bad you aren't having twins." she giggled.

"I'm not even sure how I'm going to deal with one Hermione. The last thing I need is two o'em." Hagrid sighed.

It was Hermione's turn to place her hand on his. Well, it took two of her hands, but you get the gist. "It's going to be alright Hagrid." she said soothingly.

He looked down at her, worry etched all over his face. "I just don't know 'Mione, I mean, I can take care o' any beastie you want to hand me, but a baby? An actual baby? I just know I'm going to mess up."

"You'll do just fine Hagrid. A baby's not going to be any different than all of the animals you've taken care of. It'll just need more of your love and attention."

He gave a small smile. "You think so?"

"I know so." Hermione nodded.

Hagrid sat up straighter. "Enough o' this moping around. How've you been Mione? What's been going on in yer life?"

Hermione hesitated, biting her lip. "Hagrid, can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure Hermione, anything."

"Well...its just lately...I think I'm...well..." Hermione sighed and took a deep breath. "I think I'm a bisexual."

Hagrid blinked. "Well...uhh...thats...thats ok. I mean, I never saw anything wrong with that."

Hermione let out a sigh of relief. "Phew I had to get that off my chest."

Hagrid laughed. "Well see I told you you could tell me anything. I understand and I won't ever judge you Hermione."

"Well in that case the thing is, well you see I think I may have a crush on..."

"On….?" Hagrid trailed off, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"On...Pansy Parkinson." Hermione gushed.

"THAT'S THE DEVIL TALKIN HERMIONE!" Hagrid roared , slamming down his tea. "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?! WERE YOU DROPPED ON YER HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A LASS? WHAT KIND OF SICKO FREAK ARE YOU?!" He stood up, and Hermione could tell he was serious.

"Hagrid, I thought you said you'd understand!" She wailed at him, almost in tears.

"UNDERSTAND? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I UNDERSTAND, YOU'RE A FREAK HERMIONE, A GROSS , SICK DISGUSTING SADISTIC FREAK! IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT NEED TO BE PUT TO SLEEP!"

"But Hagrid!"

"BUT NOTHING! GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!" Hagrid roared, upturning the table.

Hermione ran.

* * *

Ginny sighed. It was just after lunch and her and Lavender were lazing about the girls dormitory trying to think of ways to improve their plans.

After several minutes of scribbling furiously on her parchment Lavender growled and slung it across the room. "This is hopeless! We're never going to be able to get to Harry, so why try?"

Ginny was slowly twirling a strand of long red hair around her finger. "It's worth a shot. He's the hottest guy in school."

"Well I don't even like him that much." Lavender declared.

Ginny gasped. "Lavender! Don't say that! Everyone loves him!"

"Well not me. I'm not even sure if I like guys in general!"

"Well you-...wait...what are you saying?"

Lavender took a deep breath. "I'm saying that I think I may be a lesbian."

"A lesbian?"

"Yes. A lesbian."

"A real lesbian?"

"Yes, Ginny, a real lesbian. Sheesh." She rolled her eyes at the redhead.

"Wow I've never seen a real live lesbian before. Except for that time my Dad took me to the zoo, but I was too short to see over the fence. Can I take your picture?"

"What the-"

And without a moment's hesitation, Ginny zipped out a very large camera and snapped a picture of Lavender mid-sentence.

"Ginny! Oh my god I'm not some animal you see at the zoo!"

"Sorry Lav, I had to."

Lavender sighed. "I hate my life."

"It's ok Lav, I won't tell anyone."

"This is horrible."

"No its not. You'll be ok."

"My life is over."

"Lav, its ok, look, if you want- I'll be lesbian with you just so you don't have to go it alone."

"You would do that for me?"

"I will."

"Wow, what a great friend."

"I know I am."

"Ok."

"Ok. Now I think its time you came out of the closet."

"Out of the closet? I just found out myself about two hours ago!"

"Yes, but I think you should just jump right out of the broomcloset. I'll help you. We'll stage a little performance."

"Performance?"

"Yes, to show everyone your sexual orientation without having to actually tell anyone."

"I see."

"Yes, now we better practice. Kiss me."

"What!"

"I said, kiss me. We have to practice kissing to make it look authentic."

"I dunno about this Ginny."

"Trust me, this will work."

And with that the two girls set about preparing for their big debue.

* * *

"Glo, I'd like to see you after the meeting." Colin Creevey said.

"Ok." replied Glo, typing wildy on her laptop.

Colin addressed the room. "Ok group. Let's see, we've got all the reports lined up and we're just about ready to go to print. But I've just been informed we have two new employees who want the jobs I mentioned earlier. They're here so let's all welcome Parvarti Patil who will be in charge of our horoscope."

Parvarti waved nervously to everyone.

"And Neville Longbottom who will be doing our comic strips!"

Neville blushed.

"Ok you guys start your jobs tomorrow. Parvarti, your laptop is next to Alicia's and Neville, yours is next to Terry."

Neville paled.

Colin didn't seem to notice. "Well that just about raps everything up. Meeting adjourned."

As everyone filed out of the room, Glo walked up to the front desk. "You wanted to see me boss?" she said rather seductively.

"Glo, I think we need to bring our relationship out to the public. I mean really, I bet I could make it sound scandulous enough to be put on page three-"

"Colin thats just it I don't want to be a news report!"

"Ok, okay, we won't even need to put it in the Snitch, we could just put a very small little segment in the Phoenix and-"

"Colin!"

"Or how about just a little bitty announcement on page five?"

"Colin!"

"Ok we can just put it under the "Relationship News" segment of the Phoenix. Come on Glo, just a little sentence long announcement."

"Colin! Urrgh!" Glo yelled throwing her hands up and stalking out of the news room.

"Glo? Glo! Come back! Ok we can put it on page twelve! No one reads that page anyways! Come on Glo come back!"

* * *

Blaise sighed. He was very bored. His best friend Draco was hardly around anymore, neither was his other best friend Pansy. Since Crabbe and Goyle were together and joined at the hip, he was left very alone.

He walked quietly up the steps towards the library. Might as well study for his NEWTS. He was walking around the corner when he spotted a sight that sent creepy crawly chills down his spine. He threw up in his mouth a little.

There in the not-so-dark corner were Professor Mcgonagol, and the librarian Madame Pince wildy making out like teenagers at a drunken party.

He didn't know what to do. He couldn't very well interrupt them, he would probably lose more House points than Potter when he bothered Snape.

Quietly, ever so quietly he crept back around the corner and back down the steps heading back to Slytherin to clear his head.

Why was it always him?

* * *

"Now Luci, I think you need to calm down."

"Calm down? Calm down! I'll show you calm down woman!" Lucius roared.

"Honestly, its just a little make up."

"A little? My whole face is caked with the stuff! How am I going to explain this to my Death Eater friends coming over today!"

"Luci if you hadn't been sleeping on the couch in the dining room next to all my porcelain dolls, I wouldn't have mistaken you for the lifesize first edition Susie Wellington and magically painted your face." Narcissa scolded him.

"THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!" Lucius yelled.

"Well maybe if you'd stop yelling I can remember the spell to take it off your face."

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Lucius paled. "Oh gods my friends are here!" He flung himself on his knees in front of Narcissa. "Please, woman, take this paint off! Please Cissa! Please! Hurry!" He wailed.

Narcissa blinked rapidly and then a happily dazed expression came on her face. "Who are you?" she asked smilingly.

"No! Not this again Cissa its me, Lucius!"

"You're not Lucius. You're a clown silly!" she giggled. "That reminds me, I should go- my clown friends are lonely we need to have tea."

"Cissa no! NO!" he yelled after her as she pranced off. "What about my friends?!"

* * *

Ok so that was weird.

Anyway, Draco's cognition of exactly when someone's touching one of his wardrobes is tweaked from an episode of Family Guy that involves Peter and a thermostat. I thought it was pure genius. And Hermione and her fort-building was inspired by another one of Peter's antics, when he built a fort on an airplane for some unknown reason. I just thought it fit.

The mole people idea is courtesy of moi. Yes, believe it or not, sometimes I actually think up things for this fanfic by myself. Lol, it spawned from a day at lunch where I was bored and decided to provide my own entertainment. So I made up a mole people legend and sold it to my friends and it's provided many laughs since then. I even made comics. (sad, right?) Anyways, they'll be integral parts of the story soon, so get used to them.

And I'm not sure why I had Hagrid freak out on Hermione. My brain just went there. The baby names are actual names that one of my friends is tossing around right now. She's due in 6 months and she's narrowed the names down to those. Maybe when my god kid reaches his/her dysfunctional teenage years, and reads this story (if by some miracle this story still exists) they'll come across that and be really pissed off that my friend picked the name that she did. So if you're reading this future god kid, I apologize for exploiting your mom's pregnancy, and for using your name without your consent. If one of these turns out to not be your name, just ignore this and pretend I didn't say anything. I was lying. This never happened.

Anyways, more weirdness and craziness to come. Keep reading.

_Blessed Be~!_

* * *

**Draco:**_ I really didn't think she'd do it._

**Harry:**_ I tried to tell you Draco._

**Draco:**_ How could you just sit back and allow that-that travesty to occur!_

**Harry:**_ Honestly Draco, it wasn't that bad._

**Draco:**_ Not that bad? Not that bad?! She took away my birthday Harry! My birthday!_

**Harry:**_ We'll get it back. Everything will be okay._

**Draco:**_ Somebody needs to do something about this woman. Seriously, this can't be legal._

**Harry:**_ She's really not that awful Draco. If you'd just make an effort to get along with her._

**Draco:**_ (sniffs) Malfoy's do not associate with vermin. _

**Authoress:**_ What was that you said Draco?_

**Draco:**_ (jumps) Uhm. I said that I'm lucky to have you as an Authoress. _

**Harry:**_ (bangs head on wall)_

**Authoress:**_ (smiles) That's what I thought. _


End file.
